I’m writing all of this out in an attempt to show myself how strong I’ve been and be optimistic that things will get better. I never ever talk about myself unless I have to so this is all weird to me. It’s the end of the week and I’m just reflecting back on everything thus far. I hope it all works out.

Here we go: I’ve battled depression for 8 years, anxiety for 7 years, and had suicidal thoughts for 2-3 of them. I have an abusive parent and a dysfunctional family. I remember setting a deadline for myself to be gone by because things were really that bad and I didn’t have anybody.

I worked my ass off, graduating high school with honors and a year’s worth of college credits under my belt (2016). Throughout my entire life, I got really good at compartmentalizing to cope. It meant separating emotions from school/work. Even was I was feeling suicidal and in tears, I could still be trying to solve calculus problems or do other assignments. The pressure to perform well was always there. Because I did well in school and there was never a dip in my grades, none of my teachers suspected anything was wrong.

I started seeing someone my second year of college (2018), guy #1, who told me to drop out of my major and honors program and choose something easier. He said I was trying too hard. Funnily enough, he was a former frat boy who had gotten academically suspended his freshman year and retake classes, used to have an alcohol problem, and was just irresponsible overall with no self awareness (I didn’t realize the red flags at the time - I was naive and inexperienced). Then he sexually assaulted me. The next person I saw later that year, guy #2, sexually coerced me as well. They’re both out of my life. Some believe me, some don’t.

During the rollercoaster of emotions, I threw myself into bettering my career (compartmentalizing, once again) and landed an internship. My emotions and those experiences were/are so confusing. I was only a sophomore but really wanted to narrow down what I wanted to do. I found out I really liked health management and ended up adding another bachelor’s and related minor my junior year (2019), making it 2 for 2.

So FUCK YOU guy #1!!!

This summer, I balanced 4 classes that went 2x as quick as normal classes and 25 hrs/week at the internship (I just got my grades back and have all A’s!!!).

I ended that internship recently due to logistical reasons with travel for the upcoming school year. Everything ended on a good note though, my boss is awesome and still wants to keep in touch. But I panicked at the possible resume gap and how it’d affect my chances of landing another one. You see, I need to find a full time internship on my own and complete it to graduate for one of my degrees.

Luckily, I just was offered and accepted a job in my field that pays nearly double that and is only on weekends. It’s a job typically for people with more experience or a degree. I began training immediately and am picking up on things really quick. Today was my 3rd day of training and both my trainer and the director have noticed I’m doing really well.

I also start classes next week and I’m really nervous. I want to maintain my high GPA to graduate summa cum laude. I’m looking at graduate school soon and know I want a master’s. I know I’ll keep trying and trying, even when I have super negative thoughts. I have a hard time being proud, optimistic, and not worrying over the same thing over and over again.


Thank you!