This memory has been pushed to the back of my mind for a very long time, until recently.

As a kid I was very outgoing, wild and bossy. From the ages of 4-11 I lived in a neighborhood full of other kids my age and we hung out all the time. My next door neighbors son quickly became my best friend, he was 2 years younger than me and we did everything together. We would play in his treehouse, go for bike rides, draw with chalk on our driveways etc. This was all very normal kid stuff.

When I started getting towards the age of 9, I became a pretty sexual child without knowing what I was really doing. I would rub up against things because it felt good, not because I knew it was innately sexual (I am female btw). Slowly this hobby of mine started to grow into a bit of a problem. However, my parents (at least to my knowledge) never knew about it.

I was becoming very curious about the things that I now know were exciting me sexually, although I was not aware of this at the time. I had started to get a crush on this neighbor boy I was friends with. The incident I remember in particular happened when I was probably around 9-10 and he was 7-8. He was at my house and we were playing in my room when I suggested we play a game in which I was his kidnapper. I told him to get in my closet, I tied his hands behind his back, and I shut the door. I’m not sure what else went down with this game, but I specifically remember taking off my underwear, opening the door, and forcing them into his mouth to gag him.

I feel absolutely horrible about this thinking back on it. This poor boy had no idea what was going on or why I was doing it. I don’t think I really did either, I just remember being very excited by this.

I had shut this whole situation out of my mind for so long, but a series of events triggered it to resurface starting when I was 18. In my freshman year of college I was raped. It changed me, and made me reflect on a lot of things. I was never interested in sex with my partners as a teenager. I had girlfriends in high school, as I realized when I was 16 that I was bisexual. But the biggest issue in all of my relationships was my disinterest in the sex. All the sex I had just seemed boring to me. Porn was a different deal, I watched it daily from the age of 14 when none of my female peers did the same.

Being raped as my first sexual encounter with a man seemed to mess me up even more. I got into very intense and brutal porn. Water sports, rape, forced anal, incest, torture, girls being treated like animals, and many more depraved things. During this I continued having more girlfriends, whom I loved, but I never liked the sex. That is until recently I got into my first relationship with a man. He is 10 years older than me (I’m 21). We have the freakiest sex out of anyone I know, and it’s the only way I can get off. He humiliates me, abuses me, uses me at his whim and I love it.

I feel so messed up from all of this, and I feel absolutely terrible for the boy I did this to. If all of this can be happening on my side, I can’t imagine what it is like for him. I don’t know how to get past what I did and make amends. I think if I tried to reach out to him there is a chance he doesn’t even remember it happening. It all seems like a fever dream. That is why I had to confess it here, because I don’t think I could tell anyone in my life about this. I am a monster who probably traumatized a young boy.