my old job was just not great. terrible culture, unethical practices, a whole mess. i’m young and trying to start a career, so i wasn’t necessarily looking at it as “just a job” or “just a paycheck” and i knew i had to find a way out. i didn’t want to become someone who just did what they did because that’s always the way they did it. i wanted to see growth and progression, in both myself as well as my coworkers and my company.

i started going through the interview process, and one of the first companies i spoke with really resonated with me. i liked their values and what they stood for. when i met my potential direct reports, they insisted they were looking to build a team. they wanted people who could bounce ideas off of each other, collaborate, push each other forward. they’d mentioned having issues with this in the past, but that those issues had since been resolved and they wanted to expand the size of the team to assist with the workload.

so after a phone interview, an office interview, and a less formal lunch meeting, i accepted the job offer.

the first month or so was fine: everyone was excited to have someone new. lots of smiles and laughs and “good jobs” and all of that. but as time went on, those issues they said they’d resolved started popping back up. the biggest one? a complete lack of respect for team members. i work in a somewhat interesting environment, where i’m trained by... well, basically everyone on the team that has experience. but some team members dislike the others SO MUCH that they have explicitly told me to never listen to what that person says, because they’re always wrong.

there’s a divide in the team. literally. one half of the team spends time with each other, the other half of the team spends time with each other, but very rarely do they intermingle. if i spend time with one half, the other half has something to say.

team members are often referred to as idiots. they also like using the b-word quite a bit, as my team is all women.

lunch is always full of trash talk, but it never seems to be just “this person did something today and it bothers me.” more often it’s personal attacks.

and there’s so much whispering! why are you all whispering?! what are you whispering about?!

i have done my best to remove myself from the drama and office politics, but now i’ve found that i don’t really fit in anywhere... i feel relatively left out of everything, but at the same time don’t care to be involved with the way they handle themselves. i don’t know that i’ll be able to strike a balance. i don’t need to be friends with these people, but i would like to get along with them. at the same time, though, i don’t care to stay in this environment for an extended period of time; my mental health cannot sustain the constant barrage of negativity.

sometimes i wonder if i’m taking things too seriously and just need to learn to let go. sometimes i wonder if i’m not taking things seriously enough. i worked at my previous job for six months. i’ve been here about the same amount of time. i am stressed, and unhappy. i like my work, but don’t care for my coworkers.

plus, it’s a drug-free workplace so i can’t smoke weed. cherry on top, honestly.