Back in year 7, I won a scholarship to attend a prestigious girls high school. It was predominantly white, and I was the typical studious asian girl. I never felt like I fit in with the others, in fact I was afraid of everyone there. Majority of the girls always seemed like they were climbing a hierarchical ladder, everyone was back stabbing, gossiping and putting others down to push themselves up the ladder. I really wanted to distance myself from that, it was a game that I didn’t want to play.

Another girl from my same primary school also attended this high school. We were on friendly terms until we drifted off to our own friend groups. I hardly spoke a word to her, yet I often found her spreading lies and rumours about me. She would blatantly point at me and whisper to another girl and laugh, but I figured, whatever, I’m not what she says I am, maybe she really has nothing to talk about and has no choice but to gossip about someone she doesn’t even know.

Even though I’m a local just like everyone at this high school, I never felt like I belonged. I would often get asked “where are you from?”, “no, where are you REALLY from?”, “are you doing home stay?”, “when are you going back?”, “how long you staying?”, “do, you, understand, me?”.

This was why I started to spend my lunch times in the bathroom stalls. Not the student ones, no they were scary af, but the teacher’s bathrooms as there were less people. It was like a small room, so there was no peaking over or under the stalls, or people seeing your legs.

It was my safe space. I would turn off the lights, close the lid of the toilet and sit on top of it with my legs crossed. I also never smelled, thank god:) I would jam to music on my iPad, and back then, there was this small App called BigCanvas, where you could draw with other people. Yeah, I used to draw for an hour everyday during lunch time on that app. Even though I felt so alone all the time, drawing gave me some comfort.

That was my life until I moved to another school and made some lifelong friends. I graduated this year (woo!class of 2019!!) and i wanna say that I’ve improved as a person, I’ve overcome so many hurdles, so, I’m proud of myself:)