This is a story about me and my ex girlfriend.
Let's call her "choco".
Choco was fat and she had a lot of body image issues.
I was very supportive of her and always told her to never try to fit into society's norms.
We stayed in a relationship for almost two years.
The time we spent together was great, I really enjoyed her company.
But after we passed our school, I decided to take a gap year for the preparations of engineering entrance exam.
She decided to join college.
Till I was free, we talked a lot on WhatsApp and it was good.
But then after I joined a coaching that helps us prepare, we started to grow apart because the times in which we were active on social media was different.
She told me to meet her but I couldn't because my body is really sensitive towards heat and where I live, it's very hot. So I decided to not step out of the house.
Then one day we fought over the "meeting once in a while" thing. She said she'll end the relationship if I don't meet her, I was scared because I did not want to lose her.I told her that it's very difficult for me to take out time to meet because going out almost consumes a day. And my father would not have let me allowed to go even my coaching has just begun. I told her that we can meet the coming weekend. She said nah because she just went to a friend's bday party this week. Then I searched the calendar and tried to find the day when I could actually meet her, I found that I'm free on the 2nd weekend of Aug. She said that she can't really tell about the 2nd weekend of Aug while we are still in July.
I was furious, I said that I can come and meet you on any day of the 2nd weekend of Aug, if you can't make it. Don't put the blame of not being able to meet on me.
She got mad and we didn't really talk.
FYI, I hail from a middle class family. Our finances are tight and my father reminds me everyday that he has worked really hard for my exam prep fee, so I better not fuck up.
I got tired of fighting on a silly topic and one day I became really blunt with her. I straightaway told her that if she can't make it when I can come and meet her, I won't come to meet before next year(because we have weekly tests of the entrance exam syllabus so all weekends are busy).
She said she wants to end this relationship, I insisted her not to.
But then I thought that I'm holding her down with me into this relationship forcefully. So I called it quits. We totally cut off contact and it was over.
However, my life went downhill since that. Her absence started taking it's toll on me and I lost control of everything happening around me.
I tried to talk to as many friends as I could just to ease myself and have some company because I was feeling very lonely.
Everyone knew about us and everyone knew that I was pretty crazy for her.
When I told them the reason to breakup, everyone said that her reason to start the breakup talk was baseless and very childish.
I thought about it and it started making me mad, I was furious. After 3-4 days, out of anger, I body shamed her.
She tried to handle me maturely but I kept on playing with her insecurities.
She called me and started crying, she told me that I'm the worst person to exist. Then her mother took the phone and said I should be ashamed of myself.
I started feeling really bad, I started crying. I just body shamed the love of my life. I couldn't get my head straight and went to my sister and told her everything, she said I did choco very wrong.
Then she, texted me that she is really hurt. I admitted that it was out of rage. She believed me but she was very hurt.
She called me an hour and a half later and when I saw her call, I couldn't control my tears once again.
I told her how much I missed her and how I find it really difficult to go through a day without talking to her.
She said that she was also feeling very bad and she wanted to reconcile things.
I started shivering, my heartbeat got irregular and I started feeling dizzy. I sat on a chair and talked to her.
At last, she said that there is no going back now. But she wants me to take care of myself. Couldn't speak anything because her voice was so beautiful that I could put anything on line for her at that moment.
She texted me next day that she wishes me all the best for my future and I should never ever contact her again.
But I still couldn't help it and let out all my feelings in about 4-5 texts of 200 words each. That was the last time I talked to her. I still don't have a reply on those texts.
Now, I can't change anything. I regret hurting her more than losing her.
All I think of is her whenever I'm not studying and her absence really hurts.
She and her mom don't want to see my face again.
I wanted to write down how my days went without her on a blog but I deleted it after 4 posts because I realized that the blog would only make her stay more in my mind. You can see the deleted blog, it's www.imisschoco.blogspot.com
But I've decided that I'll donate money to the organizations working towards mental health because she wants to become a psychologist and help people battling with mental health issues.
I can't think of any other idea to get me out of the guilt of body shaming her and I really don't want to live with it my entire life.