I’m super depressed.

A year ago I was the happiest I’ve ever been and last March it all just came tumbling down. I started to feel the affects of anxiety and was trying to cope with it.

The depression hit hard in summer time and started to come and go in waves. In November it really killed. It left me bed ridden. Unable to get the motivation to get out of bed to go to class. Lost 10 pounds in a single weekend because nothing looked good enough to eat.

I wanted to die. I still do. But I don’t think I could do it to myself. I’ve though about it of course. Contemplated.

But the only solution I can think of is to just never buckle up. Give myself less of a chance of surviving if we were to crash. Hope I get thrown of the window and killed instantly. That way no one will have to know I think this way. It was just a lapse of judgement on my part.

But I know it’s so selfish to think that way. To think of the guilt that the person driving would feel if it were to really happen. I’ve considered at least writing a note that could easily be found one day explaining that if I die in a car accident because I wasn’t buckled up, I meant to do it.

But there are the short periods of time where I decide it’s worth it to buckle up. That I want to live even just one more day. There are the specific people I will buckle up for, because I wouldn’t want them specifically to live with the guilt.

But I hope one day I will choose to buckle up because I really want to live. And I hope I’ll want to buckle up every day after. I’m hoping that will come.