Biggest love of my life. Loved him in a way that didn’t believe was possible - it wasn’t the physical attraction, it was “I’m just so happy this person exists with or without me - just knowing he’s out there”. We were always on again, off again where he’ll appear in my life, then disappear. When we saw each other it was like... I couldn’t believe my brain and my body could take this level of happiness. He always treated me greatly when we were together, but then he’d disappear for a while. Last time.... after being away for months he came back into my life 3 months ago. It was amazing.... but started being distant again and I finally built up the courage to ask all the questions I never asked ... few months ago when he was away he met someone, spent with her 2-3 months and then she told him she doesn’t want him anymore. He told me everything about her without me even asking for the details. He is like ... smitten when he talked about her. He told me how he stopped communication with me because he was so in love he distant himself from anything in the world because she was the center of his life. He still says he believes she is his soulmate but she doesn’t want to have anything to do with him. He talks how he would do anything for her, move to another place, ditch his whole life, etc. He told me he deeply cared for me as a person but never wanted anything serious and never even considered a relationship with me. He wasn’t mean about it and still says he wants me in his life. He says he’ll treat me better, won’t disappear again, etc. but wants to keep contact and keep seeing each other.

I am beyond crushed. With the last power left in me I told him I don’t want to see him ever again and blocked him on everything. All I can think of is how he didn’t care about my feelings at any point during the last 2 years. Wondering what she looks like and about her behavior and character. Why she deserves that kind of love and I don’t and never will? Why am I unworthy?All I wanted was some decent behavior and respect. The logical part of me knows he’s the biggest asshole in the world and doesn’t want to allow him to ever come back for comfort. But still can’t bring myself to hate him. I understand him... maybe because I feel the same way about him as he feels about her. And I’m sooo scared that I’ll get so lonely that I’ll relapse. I don’t have any hope left I’ll meet someone else who I will care for so much ever again. I know somebody else can love me deeply but I’m not sure I’ll be able to give to them what I was willing to give to him. I’m empty, no emotions left in me, he took them all - the good ones, the bad ones - everything. I know I’ll survive, but I don’t know if it’s gonna be life and not just a survival....