tw// s/h, ED (not explicit just mentioning), suicide

hey i need some advice. im 14 and i hate being alone, its a sinking feeling and if im alone i feel like crying. that being said, im alone. i lost my best friend of many years and the rest of them followed. i feel like i manipulate everyone around me and i dont deserve to have friends. my best friend dropped me bc i didnt like her older bf and i vocalized my dislike to someone she didnt know, i apologized but obviously it wasnt enough. ive been w her thro so much so u can imagine my disbelief when i realize im blocked. im just a kid, i dont wanna feel this way anymore. i cant even just ‘make new friends’, i live in a foreign country i dont even know the language of and im rly picky w people i hang out w. everything just feels like my fault, i know it is but i cant help it. i wish i could change myself and make me more normal but its so hard. cutting and self harm gets me thro the day and i can distract myself w watching tv but idk how long i can go on for. i accidentally even developed an ED bc the pain helped coping. therapists dont help, ive already reached out to parents, nothing works. im trying to get help, i rly am, but everyday is the same, i honestly dont know what im living for anymore, a new season of an anime? i just want someone to tell me its going to b okay, i just want something to live for. school is ass but it distracts me so i do it, its all online anyways. its a private school so i have high expectations. i just wanna disappear but i dont want to hurt my parents, i know theyre trying rly hard n it would tear apart my family. i have one kinda close friend but i cant talk to him abt my feelings and honestly he could care less. im just a kid but everything is so empty, does it ever rly get better? im just angry and sad, no more.

if this is against any guidelines ill delete this, ill probs delete this anyways, i just want it all off my chest and written down somewhere. nobody has to help, my feelings arent ur obligation, thank u if u read this tho.