My life has been a big shit show from start to present, and it’s just left me riddled with illness and issues and troubles that as hard as I try to fix, they won’t go away. Included in that, is I ended up in a psychosis for a long time, being given all sorts of drugs and care and whatnot, and while better now, it’s left my mind scarred and my perception of reality has never been the same. And it took away the most important 2 years of my life, and consequently I’ve been left with no qualifications, skills or money and because of that, I’m basically just a bum now, while all my friends and peers carry on moving forward. The way I think has been tainted and scarred by all my life experience and trauma too, I just can’t process or handle things and everything overwhelms me to the point of wanting to scream and cry, even down to how I put on my socks. I overthink everything too, and work myself up emotionally over things I shouldn’t get upset over, leading to intense anxiety. I fall for people so hard and quickly, and then in a matter of weeks I’ll feel nothing for them, which then only pumps me full of more anxiety and then I feel like a monster because I need to cut them off for my own sake because of aforementioned anxiety it causes but then they’ll be hurt and once I’ve left them, I’ll miss them and worry about them despite the fact I gave no shits while I still had them. I feel like a frightened little boy, in a mans body, I just want to be cuddled by my mum and looked after. Everything is too much. It always has been and I’m exhausted. Everything exudes energy and it’s overbearing. And for that reason, I know that at some point, should I not get into a random accident, my cause of death will be suicide. I just know it will. It was such a weird conclusion to come to but it felt so genuine. I just know at some point I’ll have had enough. I already have, but I haven’t gotten over the fear of doing it, to actually do it. But some day I will, and I know I’m going to die by my own hand. I just want to be okay, life has always been too much.