I keep telling myself it will be okay and I can do this - but I can't. I need help and I won't be able to seek it for the next 3 years because of work.
Posted Oct 30, 2019 12:48 by anonymous
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I already hate myself for writing this right now. Just a quick look on the front page shows me people with much bigger problems than I have.
I was diagnosed with medium up to severe depression a couple years back and I have gone downhill since then, until one year ago, where I finally decided to just better myself.
**And I did.** I lost over 50lbs and still go to the gym regularly with clear goals. I have gotten into a somewhat prestigious degree program that just started this year, that will pretty much guarantee me a safe workplace until the end of my life among other benefits. I was proud of myself for achieving this...for about 5 minutes.
Now I am back at a university, right before I reach my mid-twenties. I enjoy it here, but I am lonely, very lonely in fact.
The thing is, I know I don't look bad (anymore), but I know that something about my personality pushes people away from me, women I mean of course. The funny thing about this though, is that I didn't really have this problem before the depression hit big time, even though I was packing much more weight and looked "worse". I know it's my fault, but I don't know how to fix it, because I cannot figure out the *exact* problem. It's like standing in front of an unsolveable puzzle that you try to solve every day over and over again. But while the depression was looming in the background the whole time, I felt "normal" or at least whatever my standard of this word is by now.
I talked to this one girl a while ago, really cute and every time she looks at me, she gives me the warmest smile. I just simply enjoyed talking to her and there were no deeper feelings as of yet, even though I was thinking about asking her out at some point in the future if we got to know each other better.
However, I recently saw her with a good looking and probably cool guy I sort of believe she is involved with and usually I just think "aw man unlucky, but I meet new people every day right now, and just a friend more doesn't hurt".
But this time, yesterday, I felt like every negative emotion I felt over the past couple months just hit me all at once. I wasn't super broken up about the fact that she was (probably) taken, but this feeling of overwhelming loneliness and thought of all the problems that are going on in the background just hit me out of nowhere. The feeling of being worthless and feeling *incredibly stupid* for thinking that someone would start to really like me. At this point I just completely shut down, mentally and physically. I felt awful and just went home, even though I still had classes for the day.
And that's when I finally realized, it doesn't matter how much I achieve, how much money I will earn or how fit I will become, I probably won't get out of this alone.
Two years ago I thought the root of my depression might be because I was fat and had no confidence because of it, but losing weight didn't fix it at all, it didn't fix anything. I thought I will feel better after I finally found a path in life after just looking at what my friends achieve, but I have a really good path now and it didn't fix anything.
I cannot seek a therapist, because the waiting lists are 4-6 months and I will have to commute between cities far away from each other every four months because of this degree program for the next 3 years. There is no stability in my life and I cannot fix it.
If you read until now, thank you. I know it's not really a dialogue I am having with you, but I don't feel comfortable writing or telling these exact feelings anyone from my circle of friends or family.
Commented Mar 18, 2023 15:13 by anonymous
You must be born again! This is how to do it:
We must realize that God exists
We must realize that He created us.
We must realize that God has a personality.
We must realize that because God created us; He has the right to tell us how we are to live our lives.
We must realize that God has communicated those instructions to us in the Bible.
We must realize that God has created a Heaven; where all those who die in holiness go too. And they enjoy eternal bliss with God throughout all eternity; and a Hell, in which the devel and all of his angels and all those who do not obey the Gospel of Christ go to; and suffer insurmountable pain throughout eternity.
We must realize that we have violated the instructions that God has given us. And because we have violated those instructions; we deserve to go to Hell. Because God requires us to keep his commands perfectly in order to get to heaven.
We must realize that we; in our own strength cannot keep God’s requirements. And thus we habitually break Gods commands. And thus are unable to save ourselves from Hell by our own ability.
We must realize that despite this; God loves us and wants to save us from Hell. And have intimate fellowship with us.
We must realize that in order for God to accomplish this; He sent a part of Himself to the earth to live in a mans body; to teach us more of His laws; and then lay His life down for us. We must realize that Jesus Christ came to die on a cross to appease Gods anger that He has toward us because of our disobedience; and to set us free from sins bondage through the Blood that was shed; water baptism; and Holy Spirit baptism. So that it is now possible to walk in obedience to His will.
We must confess our sin’s to God; agreeing with him that what we have done in the past that was contrary to His will is wrong and promising to never do those things again.
We must ask God to forgive us based upon the blood that Jesus shed for our sins. (i.e. disobedience to His laws.)
We must ask Jesus to come into our hearts and take up residence within us as our Lord. Promising to be submissive too Him in all things! Willing to forsake everything of this world that displeases Him! We must surrender our wills completely to Him! No longer to live our lives for ourselves; but for Him! To be wholly pleasing to Him in all things.
We must then be submersed in water. (e.g. baptized.) So that we can participate in the death, burial, and resurrection of Jesus Christ. (In a spiritual sense.) And for the remission of our sins. (i.e. deliverance from sins power.)
We then must be baptized in the Holy Spirit. You will know that this has happened when one of the nine manifestations of the Holy Spirit are operating in your life on a regular basis.