I had a great childhood, then I had to move to a new place at a very weird age so everyone had their friends and it is hard to socialize so I went from 6th grade to college without solid friends more acquaintances so I became an introvert but at heart was an extrovert I love to talk with people and it was so hard on me basically shunned out of existance because I was born somewhere other than the state I moved to. I was severely depressed and developed very bad habits like sinking myself into video games and lying and school suffering because of all that. I went to community college in Florida and was super lonely because my family was 18hours away and I did well for a bit then my cousin that I grew up with basically died. It caused another ripple in the giant mess that my life was started on, so I took it hard and basically dropped out of school. I decided to forge transcripts and try again next year.

I met people that were my crowd out going, crazy and played Ultimate Frisbee, I was actually happy and I could feel it I was doing super well in school and I was talking with people about my life which i had never done before because its been bottled up for YEARS. but out of nowhere I broke my leg playing ultimate and I missed 3 weeks of class due to pain meds and then being in the hospital for a torn throat and harmful air around my heart. I was so upset and I really wanted to go back to school but it was trying to climb up a concrete wall with no hands. I said I passed and forged more transcripts.

Year 2: Turns out you only get 2 chances at a class before you are forced to pay out of state tuition but I had already found a 12 month lease and had moved in. I signed up for 2 classes and passed both of them with a 98 and 99, but backing up a bit in September 2018 I met the person I wanted to spend the rest of my life with but I was never the person that wanted to be in a relationship so for me this was a huge step. I fell in love with her, we had that instant click where we weren't awkward and told each other our whole life stories instantly. so briefly our relationship grew and this was the happiest I had been besides the fact that I was lying to her about going to school and that hurt but I was afraid she wouldn't want to be with me because of that reason. I wanted t=her to fall in live with me for who I was as a person and not what I was going to do In life and Ut was hard not telling her and I was in a constant state of a lie and it really took a toll off of me. So fast forward to the date where it all came crashing down, I told everyone and almost went through with killing myself twice. I want to end my life because I lost everything. and I want answers to things like why she broke up with me a week later and why she still cares but blocks me on everything. I am restarting by getting a solid job to get back into school But it hurts she is out there probably sleeping with another guy and this is what hurts, it still feels like someone is stepping on my heart and its been a month.

I just hate this feeling and want it to stop. contemplated getting a dog but don't have enough money. Feels kinda pointless when you have nothing going for you besides your family. Does it get better? I am seeing a therapist and applied for 50 jobs. I just want answers and I miss having that person to talk to, its just a giant hole missing from my life and I don't know what to do.

posting then will edit the mistakes