so when i was younger, about 8 or 7 about, i told myself that i wouldn't live past 16. not because of some illness or some mysterious thing, but because i would commit suicide. now just imagine, this young kid going around saying that they're going to commit suicide when they're older. i know i could've gone to my mom, but that wasn't possible.

in my family crying or being vulnerable is seen as being weak. if you're going to cry let it be because you got shot, broke a bone and now it's a visible bloody break, or something else that's physical. if you're going to cry because your feelings are hurt or maybe you're feeling sad, then there's a problem with you and the problem is that you're weak.

the next time i cried i was in the seventh grade. i wasn't doing too well in school and all my schools that i've gone to had the honor roll. so for grammar school it was 85 and above was second honors, 90 and above was first honors, and 95 and above was principle's list. i could've gotten on second honors, but my english grade was keeping me down. it was in 70's about and my mom wasn't happy with it. when she went to pick up my report card she was calm as day and nothing seemed wrong so, when we got in the car to go back home i still felt guilty for not getting on second honors but the way she was acting was reassuring. i was wrong.

the usual car ride was probably 30 minutes and on that day it was 30 minutes, but it seemed so much longer. on that day i changed for the worst and grew 2 voices in my head. she yelled at me and to this day i can tell you she called me a "disappointment", "disgrace", and that i couldn't be her daughter with grades like these. while she was yelling i had one voice telling me that it was going to be okay and tomorrow would be different, but then another voice told me that i could make it better if i just go home and maybe end it all like i said i would or just become numb. that second voice won and my whole seventh grade was accompanied by that voice. when we got home i went to my room and she stayed in the living room and i refused to go past the bathroom. for the whole week i didn't step foot in the kitchen because she was there most of the time and just made a beeline for my room or the bathroom.

i think it should be known that in my grammar school from the fifth grade and below the uniform was a plaid uniform type dress with a white button-up blouse underneath and stockings, and then for the sixth grade and above it was a plaid skirt with the white button-up blouse and stockings. i kept the same uniform from the sixth grade and rather than it getting bigger, it got smaller and continued to get smaller until i graduated. that same year was the year that i started to cut myself. i'm not proud of it, but all i can say was that it was the only outlet for me because i couldn't really talk to my mom or anyone else without fear. 47 cuts in total on my left arm one time and i still have the scars on my upper wrist.

the eighth grade got a little better. i was going into high school, my grades were getting better, and my friends and i were really close. one of my high schools that i wanted to go into was a specialized high school for the arts (music, arts, or acting), i was going in for music since i played the flute since i was in the third grade. days leading up to my audition, my mother kept telling me that i wouldn't make it in. i don't mean it as though she said i probably wouldn't have made it in, but it was definite that i wouldn't make it in. the audition date comes and that morning she walks in and tells me i'm not going because i wouldn't make it in and then she left for work. on that day i cried and didn't step foot past the bathroom. the only time i did it was too go into the kitchen for a knife and repeat what i did last year. i wanted to audition for it. i had everything ready, my music that i had to compose, and the time that i put into practicing my music, but that didn't mean anything to her and now me. later on in the year, as acceptances from the high schools are rolling in i already forgot about the audition thing and moved past it.

i personally thought that things were going to get better from here on out. for example, on of the high schools that i got accepted to wanted me to come back for an open-house just for accepted students. of course i went, but i went alone. my mom sat in the cafeteria of the school and i had the pleasure of being with an unknown family and tour guide for over an hour. in those hours i was overwhelmed with a boatload of information, questions that i couldn't answer, and the feeling of being alone despite being in a crowded high school. no one i knew was there because all my friends were going to high schools with each other or around there houses. at the end of the tour i just wanted to leave, but my mom wanted to talk to the person who was in charge of music at that school. as she was talking to the person i couldn't dare to look anyone in the eye. i wanted to leave. i didn't want to be near anyone. i wanted to go home, go to sleep, and forget this whole day even happened. during the conversation person in charge of music looked me in the eye and i lost it. the tear that i was holding back fell and my mom calmly told the person we had to go. she tightly grabbed my wrist and pretty much dragged me out the building. i go to the high school now and i can pin-point what she said that day and when she said it. when we got outside she asked me why i was crying. i told her "i don't know", but she claimed that i must know because i "couldn't be crying for no reason". she kept repeating that and i had enough so i said that first thing that i could think of and i said, "because i'm stressed". that wasn't the right answer because i "had no reason to be stressed", i "can't be stressed", i "don't know what stress is". she then called her friend and i'm guessing that my name came up in conversation because she said, "she's right here crying talking about she's stressed. can you believe that? she's stressed", she then started to laugh hysterically because of my answer. the car ride home was her telling me that i couldn't be stressed because she's stressed, not me. i then i had to go to the school again to audition to be apart of the school band. this one i had to go to, but alone because she was working. when i went to the school i was put in a room with people there do the same thing and seniors from there were in the room trying to reassure us that it would be "okay" because the head of music is "really nice" and we'll definitely get in. at this point i hated the flute with a passion and didn't want to be there at all. my name was called and i get into the room. all i had to do was play a scale and then a song. i didn't make it halfway into the scale before i started crying. they were right when they said that the person was nice because i got into the band, but the problem was that i didn't want to be in the band. i didn't even want to be in the school or alive for that matter. i wanted to say that, but i didn't in fear of what might happen if i went back home and told her i didn't make it in.

i'm going to skip freshman year because it was a good year overall. i made new friends and my love was starting to come back. i stopped cutting and all that was left was scars. i smiled a lot that year and the only time i cried was when my period came and the cramps were really bad.

sophomore year wasn't my best emotionally or academically. due to my final average from freshman year, i signed up to take a honors chemistry course and the workload was alright it just that i couldn't keep my test grades up. when report cards finally came around my chemistry teacher told my mom some stuff that i can't remember, because thankfully i forgot, and she had on the same calm face she did when we visited for open house. not only was chemistry kicking my ass, so was geometry. geometry was worse because i cried over this one. every test, i cried. every homework, i cried. i obviously didn't tell my mother because it wasn't a physical issue and it wasn't like i was shot or something like that. about a week after report cards, i was told that i would "get a city job" because i couldn't keep my grades up, "go to the high school around the block" because i was "wasting" her money, and some other things that i luckily tuned out. the friends that made the previous year were all in their own matters that i felt that i couldn't come them with mine. every lunch period i would sit alone because i didn't want to cry when looking at someone or when someone looked at me. that didn't go as planned because one day a senior asked if i wanted to sit with them and i said yes, because for some reason i can't say no to anyone. when i sat at the table i was automatically included and they cracked jokes here and there and i laughed. everything was good until the conversation turned towards me and i had to get up to go the bathroom and cry for the rest of the period. the whole year was like that pretty much.

although, one time my mom called me in the middle of band rehearsal to tell me she was taking me out of school because of my grades. the whole entire rehearsal i couldn't play i was silently hyperventilating in the back of the room and shaking too much that i couldn't hold the flute to my lips. one of my friends told the conductor and they asked why i was crying and all i could say was a partial truth, "i don't want to play the flute anymore". it was the truth, but it wasn't the reason i was crying. i can say why i was crying now. it was because i didn't want to go home, i wanted to stop existing and just not be present anymore. when rehearsal ended and i was walking down the hallway. the conductor stopped me and told me that i should let them know what instrument i would like to play so they would help me learn it and that i should tell my mom. as i was going home i cried the whole bus ride, which was about an hour, and as soon as stepped in the house i didn't dare to tell my mom anything the conductor said.

sophomore year was done and junior year came. i did really good this year and made some good friends that i still have now. i didn't repeat any old habits and me and my mom were better. i started to gain back my weight, kind of fast, but overall i was gaining weight. then senior year happened.

i'm in my senior year right now so, i'm going to type this in the present tense. junior year i did well academically that i was able to sign-up and get accepted to some honors classes. as of right now i'm taking a math and science honors class and on AP class. my two honors classes are good, but my AP class is a problem. i'm going to be very vague about what it is, because this is a confession and i don't want to reveal who i am which can then lead as to what class it is, but lets just say it seems simple and easy to grasp, but it's not. every time i think that i have it all figured out, something new is introduced and i end loosing my place and starting from square one. i've gone to extra help that's provided by the teacher and in one session we had to stop because i started to cry.

as previously stated i'm conditioned not to cry. it goes against everything that i was taught and overall is just not acceptable. so, when i do start crying i become disgusted in myself. in that moment as i was crying so many things were running through my head: why don't i get this? it should be simple. but for some reason i don't get it. am i stupid? why the fuck am i crying? this isn't something to cry about. along with some internal name calling directed towards myself. while i was crying and trying to compose myself my teacher asked me if i suffered with anxiety. i shook my head no, but i wasn't really sure. i knew that i couldn't have anxiety because my mom said that i can't have anxiety, or any other mental issues. if i did, then something would be wrong with me and it would effect my future. in the end we had to stop the tutoring session and i've never went back since. all i do is just go to the class.

my 17th birthday is in a couple of weeks, meaning i'm still 16 and to be honest i don't know what's going on anymore. so far i've cried today because i've come to the conclusion that being myself at home is problem for my mother and i don't really understand what a friend is or what it means to be friend. i'm trying to stick it out and to make sense of what's going on around me, but only time will tell.

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\*\*\*\*\* *i know how to capitalize and i know about grammar, but i didn't focus on it because i had to get this out and was typing this while my mom wasn't home and while she was asleep.*