(this might not be a real problem and I problably just wanted attention idk. I am also really distracted when typing so don't bother too much.)

I've been feeling like this for a few years now ever since I realised either my mother or certain friends of mine would bring me to some place only to show me to everyone, proceed to leave me be on my own and ignore me until I was either needed or it was time to leave. Now this might have also happened because i didn't much of an effort to become part of the conversation, but to be sincere if I'm not very knowledgable about the ambient I just can't bring myself to.

I moved out and started attending college a year ago. I think I made myself enough company to not feel lonely, but they all have their own lives in the place their from and our "friendship" only goes as far as the classes go. Come the weekends, everyone is out where they trully want to be. I don't think i'm an exception, I guess i just befriended them to fill in roles and pass the time, although I can't really see much value in them. That feeling expanded to family members and even what I would call close friends.

That is truly what I feel, but at the same time all my thoughts are around them. Family, schoolmates and close friends, what they re thinking what they would do if they saw this specific thing, that's all I ever think about besides college tasks and stories. I feel like imagining stories and working on projects to show people is my only sincere way of interacting. No holding back, no fake smiles, just what I was thinking during the process.

What are other people's thoughts, those that also think like this?

I've realised I'm just giving everyone a role and I somehow feel like I can't love them for being too self centered in my vision of them. Sometimes even going out of my way to change their life in anyway, an action which I attribute more to completing my vision of them, then to actually loving them. Examples range from intruducing them with partners I think would bring out their good traits (and did), encouraging them on their work, lending a shoulder when they're not so sure about their life choices and where they are. This without them going out of their way to ask me, i feel like all true happyness I have is them.

But then why is it that everytime I'm not feeling so sure about myself, that pass an opportunity that would suit me (be it work or relationshipwise), they never remember me. Even small thing like a "Oh I think you would like this series.", out of the blue just to see me happy. Going out is the same, I'm the one inviting so I don't go out much. (Maybe i'm anoying? Or they just have separate groups they d rather not mix)

Point is, I feel like a placeholder in everyone's life, like a thought that only shows itself and is never seeked by it's own. Someone they will proudly say they re friends with during conversations, but will rarely, if never seek by their own. This affected my interactions while meeting new people, like I always feel like they want to use me.

That guy that works at the gym is only friendly because he wants you to pay more for programs and such.

The girls you dated aswell as the ones who approuched you (never the ones who actually knew me for who you were) only wanted to be with the "edgy looking lonely guy who doesn't speak much".

That mutual who you barely knew, just wanted you to give them a contact or make them closer to a friend of yours.

Your mother only wants to show you around and brag and over inflate about whatever academic achievments you accomplished.

Your father just wants to go to lunch with you because he feels like it's his "duty" make up for when he wasn't.

I started feeling cold about all this, like going to the water slide you liked as a child but now you only feel "yea I like that waterslide" even if you don't have fun with it anymore. I like everyone I speak with, maybe even love them. But as the pace as things come and go, grow up and move, I feel like they can all be replaced.

Every weekend I spend at my hometown, I feel like I'm just there. Like being in this room farway from my loved ones is the same as being with them.

(OKay! Maybe this was just late teenage angst, I feel better after writting and wondering about what you others might think. I might be being a little too edgy, it's nearly 3am and I got asignments I want to do early to suck that teacher di\*k. I can already feel the praise for my mediocre shit! I'm also sorry if it got to confusing, I just wrote along with my thoughts.)

Thank you for the patience.