I am 25M. Never had a girlfriend, never had sex, never even had anyone fall for me. Maybe it's because I am fat, although I used to be thin and nobody liked me then, either. Or maybe I just have a shitty personality and I can't see it - maybe I'm not so different from those incel types at heart and I just deal with it differently, or even worse, maybe I am basically an incel and all that stuff in incel memes is somewhere latent inside me.

When I speak about this to my mom and my sister, they say, "everything will happen in time" for the former, and "well, you should lose weight and shit" for the latter. And, well, my sister isn't wrong, I guess. They even say that, well, their friends don't think I am unattractive, but their friends are fairly old people - I mean, obviously my mom's friends are my mom's age, but my sister's friends are old too. It's not something I give too much importance to - they're not going to say, "yeah, you're an ugly, repulsive POS".

My female friends do say that they are sometimes surprised that I am still single, and one of my friends actually told me about how she found it surprising that I was one when I told her while we were drinking. And I laugh at that, and say that it'll happen when it happens, but inside, I worry too. Maybe girls like being friends with me, but nobody has ever wanted to be in a relationship with me, or to have sex with me, ever - I'm not saying that those girls owe me sex because I was nice to them and because we're friends, and I cherish the memories I have had with them, this isn't even to do with those girls, it's with girls in general. In 25 years of existence, about 10 of those with sexual awareness, not one girl has found me appealing. What have I done, what am I that is so unattractive? Why do people like the guys who bullied me in school have SOs and i don't?

And then I feel bad for even thinking about that, because it just seems like I'm a whiny bitch. Obviously it isn't women's fault for not liking me - they have no obligation to me in any way or form, and I understand that, you cannot force people to like you or love you. Obviously there is some fault in my end - maybe I am very bad at talking to women, maybe I am really dumb, maybe I am just unattractive, maybe I am kinda lame - whatever it is, it is my problem to fix. Then I fear that maybe if I haven't observed and fixed the problem in all this time, maybe I never will. Maybe I will die alone, fucking hell, maybe I deserve to, if i keep veering into this incel-style track. Maybe I am an incel who has deluded himself into thinking he's better.

I usually just try to tell myself, "it'll happen when it's supposed to happen". But I get urges and stuff, and then a lot of these thoughts come into my head - sometimes stress of studies etc manifests as horniness. Jacking off usually helps, but only temporarily.

Sometimes I just fucking hate myself.