Okay, I always have this epiphany when I smoke weed, but I usually forget about it but tonight I didn’t. I remembered the truth.

My whole life, I’ve struggled with low self esteem. I never really had a big group of friends because my parents babied me too much. I wasn’t allowed to “play out” with a number of children. I had a very lonely childhood. A dad that worked A LOT, and a mum that hardly talked to me.


When I joined high school I tried to be someone I’m not. That failed dramatically when I started being bullied at school. I became an outcast Emo (I chose to be emo for attention and to be part of a friendship group ). I used to self harm a lot for attention.


I lost a lot of weight, and I was still self harming. My mum made me go to therapy. I constantly felt down. I told the therapist how I felt, and he said I just had low self esteem.

I couldn’t accept that. I knew deep down I had a mental illness. I googled mental illnesses I could have had, and I found one that I really related to : Borderline Personality Disorder. I did a lot of research on the disorder and I was like “wtf? This is totally me. The psychiatrist HAS to be wrong. I have BPD, definitely. (I was a stupid 13 year old at the time).


From this, I started telling my friends I had BPD, and my family. A few of my friends would be like “have you been diagnosed??” And I would be like “Urhm... no” and they’d laugh at me. Saying stuff like “you believed them online test things!! You self diagnosed!!”. This would make me feel really uncomfortable and upset.


From this, I lied to myself. “I DO have BPD, and I WAS diagnosed”. This is a lie I’ve repeated up until this moment. My boyfriend, who I’ve been dating for 3 years, also believes this.


I’ve made up a story about how I went to therapy (which did happen), I got diagnosed with low self esteem (did happen) and BPD (which didn’t happen). Because it’s such an addition to the truth, I think it’s any easy lie to believe..


But when I told people this... they seemed more interested in me! They’d ask about my mental illness, my ex boyfriends sort of romanticised my my “mental illness” and self harm. From this, I developed more lies.


For example, having a blood disorder. I thought if I said that more people would be interested in me. It seemed to be a good conversation starter... but I don’t. It’s not on my medical records 100%


Also, that I have “qualifications” in certain sports. I don’t. I hate sports. I said that to sound interesting because everyone else seems to have a sport they’re good at..


That I’m Bisexual (I was definitely bicurious, but I’m straight...but I also have a thing for men who cross dress? Idk). I put that label on myself after my first sexual encounter with a girl... I’d probably never do it again...it was experimental...but I feel like being bisexual allowed me to be part of certain communities. I’m pretty sure I’m straight...


That I’ve only slept with two guys. I’ve slept with three, but I’m embarrassed by the first one. Another lie, but I think that’s out of pure embarrassment...


That I’ve done various drugs so my boyfriend who enjoys psychedelics thinks I’m cool and interesting and that I enjoy that stuff... I made up a whole story about how I did drugs that didn’t even happen...

I think that’s it... I don’t really have any friends who I talk to anymore. So the only person I’ve really lied to is my boyfriend. It’s really hard to tell him the truth because I’ve kept these lies for SO long that I started believing they were true myself. Like, if anyone asked about my “BPD” I could give a well informed response automatically like I was fully diagnosed...


I’m not really happy with what I’ve done. But my mind feels so complicated at the moment. I don’t expect anyone to understand why I did this.. I’m sorry to the people with REAL mental health issues and problems...


Anyway this is my confession thread for all the life long lies I’ve been telling myself. I feel like it’s time to redeem myself and stop telling these automatic lies and confess to my boyfriend. I’m thinking of sending him this post but I’m not sure if he’ll understand


TL/DR : I convinced myself I had a mental illness and lied about it to make myself sound interesting. It worked so I continued lying about activities I do, my own sexuality and other various things in order to impress people. This has happened for so long that I forgot the difference between my lies and reality but I just realised I’m a pathological liar (I think, I don’t want to diagnose myself again but I’m pretty sure I am)...