Growing up, I had an abusive father. He never cared for me, and my whole life I had to deal with him. I never saw a counselor, so my entire life I had to live through the sexual, physical, and emotional abuse. After he cut my head open, my mom called CPS but they said they cant do anything because we called a week after the event. My dad even raped my mom and my aunt when she was 3, and when he admitted that to law enforcement, they said it happened too long ago..

along with that, I have a best friend since kindergarten who has had depression. Back in April, he cut himself because he wanted to die. His is only for attention. My other best friend at the time called the police on him, and he was mad at her for doing that. Fast forward to two weeks ago, he cut his arm open again. I had to call the cops on him this time.

then, that best friend who called the cops on him the first time, her and I are no longer best friends. We tried out dating, but ended after a month because we were new to dating (im 18, shes 19), and she liked another guy, and wasnt sure what she wanted. I always explained I would be fine taking a break from dating if it was best. Well, other things happened, and we are no longer best friends. I told her I dont want to be friends either.

So, all this and many more led to my depression. I have wanted to die for awhile, but dont want to kill myself. I just want to die peacefully. I talked to my doctor and mom, and they both say I am suicidal, but I am not. there is no way I could go through with killing myself.

If you have any encouraging words, or anything to say, that would be nice. I know you dont know the whole story, and I do not either. I am still learning what my dad did. I just wanted to share what was going on in my life because I have told only a therapist once.