There are so many things confusing, mixed up and really messing me up at this moment. I can't concentrate on work, or even reading a decent article. and even this job (temp contingent worker), that i wanted to do well, but I just couldn't bring myself to it. And I hated this environment, as much as I hate myself not being committed to it.

Being a contractor (fixed term) at this company feels like a stranger. The recruiting firm initially told me that if I perform well, I'll be hired as full time employee -- while i know this is just a common saying and a slogan, but I bought it and got in here. But I was a total stranger here. The team does not recognize me as one of them, they'd criticize everything I do as not being thoughtful enough to serve their clients, or not "in sync with them", not knowing there pattern -- like yeah, i've joined the company a couple of months, and no one told me 'exactly' what i was supposed to do, and all of a sudden I'll have to be serving all these full time employees, knowing all their habits as if i've been working with you guys for the past 3 yrs or sth.

Despite all this, cuz this is a really prestigious firm, I held on in hopes to get more chances, to grab some chance to stay. Prior to this job, I left a startup where I've done pretty well for the past 3 yrs, but the startup has its own problem, and I've lost so many trusting teammates that I chose to leave at the end as well. but after the startup, job-hunting was NOT easy. in where i live, startup is considered 'way-warded' from the 'correct' and 'template' career path. the template being (if doing communications / PM like me) joining 4A ads / PR firms and stay there for 2 yrs and all the companies would want you. But i didn't do that, reasons here and there, and I've taken the risk into startup. I had some great time and bad times, but i had great teammates and co-workers (who all left in the end), but look where it ends up? i was happy for a couple of years, and then fate is punishing me for a full yr without job, and unable to find a proper and fulfilling job. So when i saw this famous firm hiring (even for 7-month maternity cover), i thought this might be a chance for me, and perhaps i could find peace in this famous company -- where ppl / outsiders would deem as a great company, open and free...blahblahblah -- NOT for contingent worker though.

I thought i persevered through the hardship. I know i've made mistakes, and i also put in effort. but because i was too nervous, i 'wanted to stay as fte too much', that i didn't feel comfortable just 'being' there. and the intensity definitely has spread and that the team lead increasingly got harsher on me. she did not recognize any of my comment, even when i've raised a suggestion, an explanation, or even a question to understand how to proceed certain tasks, she just rolled her eyes and didn't say a word (silently saying 'go figure it out yourself'). i fell really uncomfortable with her around. she asked for travel tips and itinerary arrangement, and i've added in my suggestion (during conversation) and she visibly turned away from me, not acknowledging any of my words, while i was speaking of experience, suggesting her to be careful at certain places.

Then yeah of course, at the end of the day, i was informed that they will not require this manpower at the end of my term. i don't know if it's because i didn't blend it, if it's because i made some mistakes, or if it's that they just...don't need me / the manpower?

and then i was completely engulfed in self-depreciation, thinking 'there must be sth wrong with me', and i could not concentrate on ANYTHING.

I wanted to read an article that relates to marketing --> then i'd start thinking 'argh i'm going to be thrown out of the company, i feel so bad' I wanted to read some just casual reading --> i'd start blaming myself 'you're letting yourself off guard, you should gear up, be more competent, get some lessons, learn something, be useful so that you'll be employed in your next job'.

And when i'm given a task, i couldn't concentrate, cuz i'm too afraid that they'll be criticising and blaming me of 'making a useless report'. then all my effort would be thrown into water. they (team members, the FTEs) always says 'you're missing the point', but i really thought the report and stats i provided are useful -- but most of the time they'd ALWAYS find sth to blame me with. and now i'm too afraid to even DO ANYTHING, cuz that means i'm facing another bashing soon...

yeah right, then go find another job. I know, that's the right answer.

Last time i started job-hunting, simultaneously triggered my depression and anxiety attack that i haven't been able to recover from.

I know i'm a person that being a job that i can relate to, feel comfortable and be welcomed, then i can really be committed and start performing. but the thing is, i don't know what i want to do. and i don't know what i CAN do.

I've done secretary, felt that was dull; i've done teacher, didn't really feel fit in it; i've done digital advertising and PR in the startup, but what really kept me there was ppl and my colleagues, in terms of what we do, we were literally doing things BLINDLY and just trying to find our way. it paid off and worked out for a couple of years, but in other business / corporate world, this just not working. we didn't have a structure, and i also don't want to do the same advertisement again...i had a great time in the startup, but being lowly paid, and now salary also comes into consideration while i'm thinking abt what 'else' i can do apart from things i've done.

i also feel very angry and disappointed that on one hand the job market requires ppl to stay in a job for 2 yrs, but when getting out and saying 'this is not for me', then i'm back to completely 'blank', and that no one would recognize my past work experience in other positions...i feel stuck. completely stuck.

and then i ended up not going anywhere. whenever i see a job vacancy, i'd evaluate whether i like it, feeling promising / expectant abt it or not. but no such job appeared. then i start panicking. i started thinking there won't be a job that i would be doing.
so now whenever i see a job vacancy (currently not seeing one i like), i couldn't stand by my own emotion of 'unliking' it. i'd blame myself 'how dare you unlike this job?!' no one wants you, and how dare you'd throw this away?!

i cannot support myself (emotionally), and i feel so alone...so stuck...