To be clear. I love being alive. And I often am happy. I am not suicidal or anything.

I just want to disappear. I want no one to know me. I am so tired of people getting angry at me. I am tired of being rejected by the women I like. I am tired of the way people look at me all the time that is so dissapproving. I am tired of not fitting in. I just want everyone to see through me and act as if I don't exist unless it comes to exchange money or something.

I don't know what is wrong with me or why I can't be ok in this society. But it feels like every day I make some kind of mistake. It feels like talking to people is a mistake . And I can't do anything right.

The problem is i am in fact very social and extroverted. Yes I know. I strongly want to be around people. I love talking. I love being hugged and told I am doing ok. I live to be included and feel a sense of beloning. AND IT HATE IT. WHY AM I LIKE THIS!? I mess up so much and it always ends bad. This is like some kind of cruel joke.

I am so envious of those people that are just ... ok with being alone... I wish I could be like that. Especially those that don't want relationships or intimacy. If I coudl reprogram that about me. I would do it.