I joined at 17 because it was either that or be homeless (weird living situation). I lost 30 pounds in order to join and by the time I went in I had gotten a bit cocky and had told my recruiters I’d have no issue graduating to be a sailor, and they agreed. I was working my ass off. But as I went through bootcamp my mental health worsened. Of course I didn’t notify any of my recruiters about my depression or anxiety when I signed up to join because then I’d immediately be barred from joining. I was barely passing my PT and barely passing the drills that were set up for us. I began to contemplate suicide every single morning as soon as I climbed out of my rack and I began to mentally deteriorate. I was constantly so terrified of failing bootcamp that I was freezing up during exercises and failing because I was afraid to fail. I had met people who had been in Navy bootcamp for an entire year because they just kept failing. I had only been there for a little under two months and didn’t know how much longer I could go. Our chief was constantly telling us she would have no issue with sending us back to week one of training if we failed to meet expectations. I was about two weeks away from graduating and the thought of starting all over again was sickening. New Years and Christmas passed while I was there and the morning of my 18th birthday (January) came. I realized my dad would never be able to look at me again if I failed and got sent home. And I knew my mom would have to tell everyone her “Navy sailor” of a daughter was actually a loser. I decided right then and there I’d rather die. So when no one was looking I slipped away to the restroom and I hung myself from the piping behind the toilet with my belt. I was found just as things began to go black so I was hardly successful. I was sent to a VA hospital and eventually separated from the Navy. I got sent home anyways and my whole family promised they loved me and made me swear to never do it again but I can’t hardly stand to look at myself in the mirror. It’s been almost two years since bootcamp and I’ve gained so much weight and was put on medication but have stopped taking it. I’m trying to take initiative and get back to the gym and get myself to a healthy place again but every time I step on a treadmill or I lift a weight I just feel inadequate. I get bad flashbacks and I have to physically cringe and audibly say “No No No” to make it go away and then I just don’t want to be there anymore. I feel like I’m a failure and overall a weak individual. I’m a 19 year old woman now. I should be past this. Millions of people go through bootcamp and fail. They turn out fine. But for me I have so many bad memories and trauma and I hate myself for having it. I feel weak and like I don’t deserve to be alive. I know that mindset only makes it worse and I need to stop whining and actually make changes. But no matter how healthy I eat, how hard I run, how hard I work at my job, I still can’t forgive myself for being such a disappointment to myself and my family. I have a great job. My own apartment. A car. A license. Things I didn’t have before I went in. I should be way beyond my failure yet I’m not...It haunts me nearly every day and I hate myself.