I hate my mother and I hate myself for hating her. I hate that I’m expected to forgive her and I hate that her birthday is tomorrow and I feel obligated to once again invalidate my feeling by putting on a happy face and seeing her.
Posted Sep 24, 2019 00:15 by anonymous
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7 comments
My mom use to beat my dad and I but never laid a finger on my younger brother nor my older brother (but that may be because he would probably fight back.) Most of all I hate that I’m in my mid 20’s and I’m still struggling with wondering whether or not I deserved it and I still think about it nearly daily and it makes me feel angry, shameful and sad.
My mom wasn’t so bad when I was in elementary school. She would occasionally grab me by my hair to get me to walk to my room, sometimes grab me by my neck and shake me when she was frustrated with me or something, or spank me. But nothing too bad. The first time she shook me by the neck was when I was 7, I was sick on the sofa and coughing a lot. She got off the phone with the doctor and grabbed me by the neck and shook me and told me to “STOP COUGHING.” It scared me so bad because she went from a nice, polite, calm voice with my doctor to instantly angry. When she let go I started crying asked her why she choked me. She said “oh my gosh I didn’t choke you, you could breath just fine.” Let it be noted my younger brother was also just as sick as me but did not get the same neck shaking that I did.
She was really abusive to my dad though. I remember laying in bed and hearing them fight nearly nightly. My mom was always angry and sometimes throwing things and my dad trying to calm her down. Always the same.
At 12 my mom drug me by my hair across the floor for the first time. I don’t remember what I did, but how naughty could a 12 year old possibly be? Starting at 13 my mom use to beat me at least once a week, but usually more. It would usually start because she would be yelling at my dad after she had a glass of wine (and possibly anti-anxiety or depression medication to go with it. Though it never occurred to me until I was an adult that she might have been an alcoholic or had an issue with prescription drugs.) it dawned on me when I was 19 when I saw my mom asleep on in a arm chair with a glass of wine still in her hand. Oh yeah, and I hate that the smell of red wine instantly makes me think of my mother.
My dad tried to soak up most of my mom’s physical and verbal abuse most of my childhood. But when I started inserting myself into their arguments (idk why I did this or picked this timing to express my frustrations with things I felt but I always did) my mom would always lash out at me instead. One day my dad told me he was going to “stop protecting me since I won’t stop picking fights with her.” And he did stop. And he effectively taught me that I repeated what I sowed. If I came to her and yelled at her for example that I hated her and that she loved my brother more than me and let him do whatever he wanted but she always controlled me. It. Always. Ended in her flying into a rage and her chasing me to my room. Sometimes I was fast enough to get the door closed but she would kick holes into the door until I opened it or she got a key and opened it herself so I stopped trying to close the door. She would always grab me by my hair or arm and throw me to the floor where I’d curl up in the fetal position if I had time, or lay on my back if I didn’t. She would straddle me with her legs on either side of my body and hold me down with her weigh while she either threw her fists or open hand repeatedly across my face. I would always cover my ears while this was happening because being slapped in the ears would make my ears ring badly. My dad would let my mom hit me for a little while until he felt she did enough and then told her to stop. Her and my dad would walk away and leave me sobbing on the ground. Often times they would come back 15-20 minutes later and she would cry to me and say she doesn’t remember hitting me or anything that just happened but she’s so sorry but I shouldn’t have made her mad. I always said if she was sorry she’d stop but she never had an answer to that. And I don’t get how tf she “didn’t remember” anything that JUST HAPPENED so I always thought she was full of bull crap. How convenient! This went on for about 2/3 years and tapered off mostly by 16. I think it only ended because at 16 I finally stood up for myself and said “you better not hit me! I’ll hit back!” She dared me to hit her and I said no and she kept shouting it until I did. I hit her in the shoulder but hesitated halfway through and it turned into the most sissy punch you can imagine. My mom instantly flew into victim mode and kept telling my father “look! Her behavior is escalating now! I can’t handle her!” I felt a huge knot in my stomach now I really am not the victim here, how would anyone believe me now? I regretted standing up for myself in that moment, though it may have been the reason my mom slowly stopped hitting me so much. Or maybe she thought “oh no, she’s figuring it out, she might actually tell someone and my perfect mom, bad daughter facade may be ruined.” Idfk.
I hate that one time when I was 15 I came to my mom crying and told her in the most honest and vulnerable way possible “mom, I spend more time being sad than I do being happy. Can I please see a therapist?” She flew off the handle and said “awwwww...! You think you’re so sad? Then we can put you on medication so you can become a zombie and feel nothing at all!” I never asked again.
I hate that they ignored me when I started cutting myself. Except for once when I cut myself before their best friend’s wedding and my dad said “I wish you wouldn’t do that.” I said “as if you care.” Even then, I think he only said something because I embarrassed him.
I hate that when I was 16 my mom pointed a gun at my father. I hate that my little brother told me to call the police but I couldn’t bring myself to do it. I knew what 10-20-life was and I told him no and to go to his room and lock the door while I watched from the hallway. As much as I didn’t like her I still couldn’t bring myself to call the police on her. I could have had her put in jail but I still couldn’t do it.
I hate that my mom abuses my father.
Most of all, I hate that I was a piece of shit kid often times and my mom was really, really great and nice most times, and I really do feel like she was mad most of the time because I provoked her or disobeyed her. I’m 100% certain she would have hit me less often. But the other side of me says “but she was the adult, you were the child, whether or not I was an asshole kid doesn’t change the fact that it was her job to be the bigger person.” And so I’m constantly in a tug of war with the question “did I deserve it? Did I not?” But at the end of the day I still feel angry and I still feel so invalidated. And it’s her f^king birthday tomorrow and I haven’t bought her a gift and I don’t want to see her and just can’t do it, I don’t want to do it anymore. I’m tired of pretending and knowing that they feel I was the difficult kid that brought them to that point. Why does it bother me so much? I’m getting so much anxiety right now as I’m about to post this!
Commented Sep 9, 2020 20:29 by anonymous
"But nothing too bad." Bullshit, she's a fucking bitch. I hate both of my parents, they never asked for forgiveness, and while I act like it's in the past, I know that they are scum. I'm past letting the anger destroy me, but I know they're scum. My concern is how to not treat their funerals like celebrations, at least not until afterwards; how to not smirk, how to not laugh, around all their family and friends.
Commented Nov 4, 2020 17:59 by anonymous
You don't have to love her. You don't have to respect her as a parent if you think she doesn't deserve it either. But you do need to respect her as another person. If hatred gets in your way too much just make up an excuse and don't go. If not just be really formal and cold. Plus do consider everything though so that your judgement would be fair like were you a kid that did dangerous things that might have made her angry or who was it that stayed up all night when you were kid when you were sick? If you ever were at a hospital who was with you? If a kid at school or elsewhere beat you who was it that defended you? Just be fair and know that you are now an adult. Your life no longer depends on your parents. Parent and kids relationships are complicated so take your time in resolving all that. If too hard just think to yourself "I will bear these scars but now one chapter of my life is closed and now I will reinvent myself as an adult" and live on.
Commented Jul 22, 2021 20:47 by anonymous
I grew up with an abusive mother as well. Anymore I'm not sure if there was ever a time when I did love her, because of the abuse. Although when she got old she suffered from dementia. I did forgive her. I even felt sorry for her. But I could never go back and give her that mother/child relationship she had so carelessly thrown away so long ago. I was not by her side when she passed. Nor did I make any effort to attend her funeral. I don't feel guilty about any of that. If anything I finally felt free. I closed that chapter of my life. As for the one I write now? So far it's going really good. By the way my mother past away 8 years ago. My advice to you. You write your life story and how that story ends is up to you. Just as your mother and mine will write their own ending to their lives
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Commented Jan 23, 2022 07:15 by anonymous
You both need to fuck each other that would get things back on track my and my mom was always at each other throats over the most stupid of things until this 1 afternoon when i grabbed hold of her has we was rowing and i told her i love her and i kissed her on her lips straight away she started kissing me the next thing we was undressing each other and we started making love to each otherweit was just sexual tension we had built up i will admit i love the taste of my mothers pussy and the sex is amazing we now fuck a few times aday and i even sleep in her bed with her i only wish it happened a few yrs ago when the rowing started we are now closer than ever with the befit of sex to go with it
Commented Jan 23, 2022 07:20 by anonymous
Hey, this site isn't an alternative to therapy. Go see a professional.
Commented Jun 9, 2023 08:33 by anonymous
I hated my mom I know the feeling. She would punish me by making me take my pants down and whip me she would say how ugly I am.
She let my step dad whip me the same. And had me watch them have sex for punishment