So my mom (F51) and I (F14) have had a really bad relationship for abt 4 years now and I don't think it'll get better. Everything she does annoys me to the point were I get out of my way to avoid her cuz I don't wanna end up crying at night. Anytime I Try to initiate a normal healthy conversation it turns into something abt school and grades and it just seems like that's all she cares abt. I'm not doing well in school right now cuz I just moved to America and the teaching style is very different so I'm still adjusting but it's not going very well so I'm failing basically all my classes and because of this it's made this the only thing she talks abt, that's understandable and fair ig but it's making me feel so stressed out abt everything and I've basically just shut down and started spending a lot of time on my phone and masturbating to relieve tension to the point were I'm just doing it to do it. And because I spend a lot of time on my phone instead of studying she takes it away from me but it's less frequent now. Now all of this is fine it's just some normal parent stuff right? I hope so.

Now before u read the rest u kind of need to know these things ok, I have really bad anger issues like stab my hand instead of u to control myself issues, I have low patience for anything especially stupidity and I have very strict boundaries when it comes to relationships with anyone parents teachers elders everyone cuz it helps with not getting angry.

So when we first moved to America i was already stressed cuz the air smelled weird and out apartment was crappy so I start writing in my diary whenever I felt uncomfortable and sad. And this week my mom was being really neglectful, stresses and tired from work and walk for house at a job she chose to do, and was yelling at me for everything and leaving my sister (18f) out of it. I have social anxiety so I basically felt sick after everyday of school and would just nap and try to get back into studying but I had so much stuff to do so I wasn't cooking or cleaning anything and my mom was mad about that. I'm really emotional so I just went to my room and started crying. So one day Ig my mom got me really mad and sad at the same time so I decided to take a shower to clear my head and hide the crying and wash out the blood from the tattoo cutting (I cut or poke my hands and thighs to make pretty designs so when they heal they look pretty and I can still cut myself) and Ig she saw me get out with really puffy eyes and my diary in my hand and knew exactly wat had happened. This shower did not clear my head at all so did write in my diary some really bad stuff abt my mom mostly abt killing her and myself in a very gruesome way. And I was fine again so I went to sleep and went to school like normal but when I came home my mom was sitting on my bed with my diary next to her and she talked to me. And it's really not the fact that she read my diary that set this whole hate thing up it's the fact she that she read the whole thing and only talked abt the 1 sentence abt her And skipped over all the the times I said I hated my life and myself, how many times I thought of killing myself my suicide note and how I plan on killing myself which was planned out basically throughout parts of the diary( if u wanna know how I want to kill myself I will totally tell u) so I just dissociated from the situation as not to cry and just went to sleep, that when I knew I hated her and just stopped listening to her and decided it was time to make some big decisions.

Some other small things that contribute to this is how she shows love. She shows love by buying expensive gift that I don't ask for. In all the times since I was 9yo we've only hugged twice and said I love u to each other once. And everything she does something hurtful or wrong to me she never says sorry but if I do she expect me to apologize. She constantly asks wat she's done wrong which means she's knows she done something wrong but has absolutely no idea and maybe she'll never know cuz I'm not telling her, and she thinks i would put he in a nursing home i would never do that even to her. She constantly say she hates being around me and and wishes she could go back home. She doesn't put any effort to build the relationship and expects me to put 100% everything. She never proud of any of my very few achievements. She's cares more aby work and money than her "baby she loves so much", that money is going absolutely nowhere cuz I'm going to community College and plan on moving out and live with ppl other than her, and where she's going needs no money everything is free.

I know it's normal for relationships with parents to get weaker in preteen and teen ages but I'm not planning on spending more time with her when I get older unless it's for my future children to visit her

Is my reasoning stupid and shifty or wat