I dated this guy for two years. He was 12 years older than me (major red flag) but I was in a very dark place and the last thing I wanted was being alone... plus, he made me feel like I only used people (I always jumped from one relationship to another) and if I left him, it would only confirm his idea, and the last thing I wanted to do is confirm that I was indeed this terrible person I (with his help) convinced myself I was.

He always did shitty things but I didnt want to be alone, I didnt want another failed relationship, I didn't want to be that bad bad person, so I always made excuses.

"You have a personality disorder, when someone doesn't behave like you want, you go from love to hate". That was his speech every time I would go against what he said or did, he was a psychologist, so he had to know, right?

I think he was partly right, I do that, but there are limits to how much shit you should really tolerate. This guy had a car and would make me walk up the hill his house was located. This guy never told his mom (whom he lived with) that he was dating me so I either had to hide (sometimes for hours) or I couldn't see him, because he didn't want to come to my house because "there are cockroaches" and he "had a phobia of cockroaches". Plus my TV screen had some light blotches and the sound system wasn't up to his standards. This guy left me stranded on a beach 1 hour away from the city because he was busy and couldn't pick me up, making me walk halfway back until someone kindly offered to take me back to the city. This guy would always force himself onto me without any "foreplay" because "his ex didn't need it and it was never painful for her".

By the end of the two years, he got diagnosed with thyroid cancer. Shortly before that I had tried to definitely cut ties, but I was now an even worse person for trying to leave someone who has cancer. One day he picked me up from a party because I didn't pick up the phone, proceded to tell random people on the street about how I wanted to break up with him now that he had cancer, and I had to stand there crying while some random strangers told me how bad I was, how I would've wanted someone to take care of me if I was ill too. The same night he threatened to "wreck my house" and commit suicide if I left him. I endured him a few weeks more before he started trying to get me to go back with him (at this point I had broken up with him but he asked we remained as "friends"), he couldn't deal with me not speaking to him, he started following me from my house to college, and threatened to show conversations of me speaking badly about friends to them (which is of course, on me).

I ended up having to report him to the cops. Action took so long by then he had apparently dissapeared and thus I didn't continue with the report.

It's been now around a year since I definitely cut ties with him, and only two months since the last time he tried contacting me (I still don't know who gave him my new phone number and I had to change it yet again). I met someone nice in that same party he went to pick me up from a year ago, we kept contact even though it never escalated, until recently.

In a way, I don't really think about my ex, sometimes I forget all the shitty things he did. The other day I was speaking with a friend about this new guy and how it went with him and that's when it really dawned on me. Well, I knew it was all wrong, but now I had empirical evidence that it DOESN'T HAVE to be like that. I felt so good with this new guy, I didn't shed a tear, I didn't have to "endure" anything, I had fun, and now I wanted more. For the past two years I thought "well my libido is gone, maybe im not so young anymore"... nuh uh, my libido is right there where I left it, I just didn't want to be with my shitty ass ex.

It's crazy how my mind, my body, adapted to the misery my ex made me go through. I asked this new guy if next time we're meeting (we live in different cities) he could wait for me with breakfast, as I will be getting there early in the morning. I thought "I will tell him it's a joke before he complains about me asking", but before I did he had said "ok". HE AGREED ON MAKING ME BREAKFAST! that's wild to me! and it shouldn't be! it's a long trip! that's the least he can do! and he IS willing to do it! And I think, I once told my ex to please come to my house as I was going through a bad anxiety attack (fueled by him going through my old conversations with friends on facebook) and he asked ME to go to HIS house instead, and please buy soda and something to eat!!!!

I can't believe I LOST two whooooole years of my life on someone who never gave a crap! someone who physically disgusted me so much I would cry every time we had sex, someone who fueled my complete lack of self esteem, someone who caused me so much anxiety and panic! I dont think I was even in love with him! I just didn't want to be alone!

Really it hasn't stopped amazing me how wrong everything was and I wish I could go and say to his face "you know what you were right, it's not that I didn't want to have sex, I didn't want to have sex WITH YOU!" and I want to tell him I hate him and that everything I have achieved in these past two years isn't because of him, it's DESPITE him. Oh how I wish I could run into him and just spill the hate I have inside me, because he deserves all and every bit of it!

Wishing bad things upon someone is wrong, but he deserves it soooo much, I can't help but feel infuriated whenever I even think about him, and I really needed to write it down because I refuse to make contact with him, even if it is to say all of these things, because above everything, above all my hate, is my peace, and I don't ever want to see him again, and I don't ever want to have to talk to him, or listen him.