I met this guy on Tinder and we’ve been talking for about a month. He seemed really nice, said he was looking for something serious and long term, I was relieved because I’m over the casual sex thing for the time being. We both went on vacation around the same time about a week ago and agreed to finally meeting and going out to a nice dinner when we were both back home. He sent me a few different restaurants he had in mind, it seemed like he was really excited to take me out on an actual date and I was excited too, I haven’t been on a real date in so long.

Today was the day we were supposed to go to dinner, but he texted me yesterday when he got home from his vacation saying that he was really excited to meet me and wanted to spend as much time with me as he could, and asked if it would be okay if we linked earlier in the day and chilled in his apartment for a little. I was a little disappointed because I was looking forward to dinner but I said okay, he seemed like a
nice guy and maybe we could get to know each other a little better without the pressure of a formal dinner and everything.

I got to his house and he told me he had just gotten back from the gym and forgot to shower, so I waited on his couch for like 15 min while he showered and everything. He came out and was being a little awkward, I figured he was just a shy/quiet person, or maybe he was a little nervous to meet me. We went outside and talked for a little, then we came back in and started watching some Netflix. He pulled me closer and we were just chilling, then he started to kiss me, which was fine, but it started to get more intense. I pulled back and said ‘Are you still gonna talk to me after this?’ and he said yeah of course, why wouldn’t I? I said ‘I thought you were looking for something serious’ and he said ‘Yeah I’m down for that too’ which didn’t really seem to go with what he had been telling me for the past few weeks but I didn’t really get a chance to think about it because he started kissing me again. Then he grabbed my hand and put it in his pants, I started touching him a little bit, then he literally pulled his dick out and was looking up at me expectantly like he wanted me to blow him. I told him flat out ‘I’m not sucking your dick’ and then I got up off the couch and told him I was gonna call my sister to pick me up. I almost started crying lol, I was so disappointed.

He followed me outside and kept saying my name and that he was really sorry, he didn’t mean to make me uncomfortable, we didn’t have to do anything, we could just hang out. But I just wanted to go home. He kept asking me if I was okay because I think I seemed a little fucked up lol, he asked me to please look at him but I told him I just wanted to go, I could wait for my ride outside. He ended up calling me an Uber. He asked me to wait in the backyard with him until my ride got there.

I feel like I might have overreacted but I’m just really sad. He obviously doesn’t know this, but a few months ago I went through some really hard stuff with my abusive ex, and he basically physically and sexually assaulted me. The seriousness of the whole situation is really starting to sink in lately, and I’ve always been someone who really enjoyed sex and that connection with others, but now it makes me a little anxious. When he started kissing me today, I wanted to start crying. It’s like it’s all these guys want me for, and it brought me back to that night with my ex as he just continued to have sex with me as I laid there crying. I just feel like I can’t trust anyone. I feel vulnerable and I feel stupid. I don’t have anyone I can really talk to about it, a few of my family members and close friends know about it and have been supportive, but I don’t think they realize how traumatic it was for me and how much I’m still struggling with it because I try to keep it together. I just feel like everyone’s sick of hearing about my issues. I really just want someone to care about me and mean it, like hold me and tell me it’s gonna be okay, that what happened wasn’t my fault, that people who love you aren’t supposed to do that to you.

I’m sorry this is so long, I just needed to get it off my chest. I haven’t even cried about what happened today, I just feel so numb, I feel like my body’s not mine anymore. The worst part is I really miss my ex and would do anything to see him again, and I’m just so disgusted with myself for being so dependent on the ‘affection’ of someone who couldn’t care less about me. It’s shameful.