This is a long post, go to the bottom for TL;DR


For the longest time, I was always the most social person and the friendliest person, and would always give people everything I can.

Remembering my childhood and always thinking that this is life, this is what people go through, it’s normal..


My early life:


I grew up in a low middle class family in Saudi, with a foreign mother, I was always different, looks wise and mentality wise, I had people to hang out with in school, but that was it. Inside the class only, as soon as we go to break, I’m alone and I sit alone and eat alone. I was bullied my entire childhood without realizing it. I was the punch bag. Kids younger than me beat me and yelled at me. The only time I stepped up for myself is when I got jumped by 3 guys. I got 4 stitches right above my right eye, and I ended up in the police station .. Just because I wanted to play football with the rest of my class, they were leading and kicked me out for no reason.. After that fight, I spent the next 3 years alone in school, had no friends at all. I would spend all the 8 hours a day alone staring at a wall, listening to people make fun of me and just keep it together..


My mother had anger issues, and was always angry, and since I was the eldest, I was her pressure valve. She had an eating disorder and was a VERY heavy person, but she became athletic when it comes to running behind me with a hose or a bat, or anything that can hurt me but not break me. My aunts ( father’s side ) hated my mom, so every time we would visit them, they would hit me and swear at me with words I never heard. I’ve been spat on, by my aunts husband, in front of all my cousins, because he hated my mom to support his wife..

Which lead me, an abused angry child, to let my anger out on my siblings, and bully them for my entire childhood, which only drove them away from me and cause them to have just as much hatred towards me, as I had for my mom. I have 5 other siblings, that I have never had a conversation with, never went out with, don’t know anything about. They are close to each other and always together, and that’s how we grew up, in 2 separate groups, me and them.



For 18 years, I never had a single friend, I never went out of the house. All i did was go to school, comeback home, listen to my mom yell 24/7 and beat the living $#l? out of me. I wasn’t allowed a phone. this was in the era of Black Berries, I wasn’t allowed out of the house. I started driving at the age of 11, and used to drive my mom everywhere because you can’t live in Saudi without a car. I would drive 50km a day, drive on highways and drive my mother’s family around too.

My dad worked very far away, and would comeback home once a month for a couple days. He was and still is a very very strictly religious person. He never speaks. He works, gets home, prays, eats, goes out, felt very dead..



Sexual Assault :


I was never taught sex ed. I never had “ the talk”, when I was 7 years old, my 28 years old uncle asked me for a “back massage” which turned very very weird and with both of our clothes off, while I had no idea what he was doing, or what was happening or why, never thought about it and went on with my life..

I was sexually abused by other students in my class at the age of 9, but I never knew what it meant, and for me, it was friends joking or just messing around, it was occasional and it didn’t mean much at the time.

At the age of 11, his sister, I think she was 35, she wasn’t and still is not married, she did way more to me than he ever did, she came to live with us, and that lasted for a good 2 years, I’ve been sexually abused by her every single day for 2 to 3 years, I still had no idea what sex is, or how kids come, what masturbation is, all I know that it felt good at some points, and 99% it was scary, and that I wasn’t allowed to tell anyone ..


I reached 14, and my other aunt took charge, she was my fathers sister, while the other ones were my mother’s siblings.. this aunt was about to get married ( Arranged ) and she got rejected, and she directed her energy to me, I was at the time sick due to a serious surgery that thew me in bed for a whole year, she was “taking care of me” or at least that’s what she told my parents while she satisfied her needs with my body every single night ..


I always thought it was normal life, and everyone get’s beaten and sexually abused and that everyone goes through what I went through, that’s life eh? Why should I be sad? That’s how everyone lives and moves on!

Anger Issues:

I was hospitalized twice after having an anger attack, my breath slows down and is almost gone, my brain starts tingling, my body stops moving, and my heart goes as fast as possibly can, and I feel pain in my chest.

Throughout my life, I have always had this BURNING anger in my chest, it feels like an endless fire with endless fuel. It made me blind, arrogant, extremely stubborn, even when I’m happy and going fine with my days, it’s always there, waiting to burst.

My GF is aware and sees through all that, and she tries to warn me about it all the time, but in my head, it kept translating to something different, in my head she seemed jealous and selfish so she wants me to herself, but I always blamed her for taking the side which doesn’t go as I like,

If the slightest discomfort happens to me, I feel like life is about to collapse and my anger reaches a level which makes me slowly go into panic mode and feel like I’m going to pass out.

( Thankfully never and will never reach a point where I abuse a human being, especially someone I love such as my lovely GF )



Work life / drug addiction :



I was forced by my father to work in the same line of work as he did, he is an industrial security officer at one of the biggest companies in saudi. However, I was never been happier! I left my house, I had money! I’m allowed to have friends! I have my own car, and I have all the money for myself!!

I worked for 7 years , 84 hours a week in the middle of the Persian Gulf, I worked 21 days a month, I lived without internet or any cellular signal, was mostly living with foreign russian and indian staff, they had different foods and we don’t speak the same language.

So to take off the pressure after being imprisoned on a tiny boat for almost a month with no human contact, in the 9 remaining days, I would drive and travel and explore, that was for the first 6 months, and then I made “ some friends” who did all kinds of drugs, did not have jobs or money, but they always chill with me, They must love me !! I bought them drugs, for the next 6 years, I go to work wiped out, don’t remember anything, I started hooking up with girls, felt like a god, money? Drugs? Women? What else do I need in life? I had over 50 partners, from all genders and in transition .. I had tens of people asking me what I do, where I go, people “LOVED” my company, where in fact, I’m just a tool for them, I honestly believed that I had friends that will be there for me for the rest of my life.. I had it all .. :)!

I wasted over 300,000$ on drugs and girls and fake friendships and trips, I was famous for being the dumbass who befriends everyone and is always ready to help with whatever resources I have, but I never realized until this week..

The sixth year of my freedom, where I transitioned and felt like I’m sick of myself and I needed to change, I quit smoking, I quit drinking, I quit and stopped every bad habit that I had. I got in a proper relationship, started focusing more on saving money, and I deleted all my social media apps and just disappeared from the face of the earth, my life was work, gym, sleep, until the day I finally had enough money to quit, and was the perfect time at the start of a new semester, and my amazing loving partner had the best affect on my life, I love her, she is my only home..

University / travel :



I did somehow manage to save some money on the side .. I was able to save enough money for 1 year abroad in university, now remember, my parents are not rich at all, they can’t afford to support me in ANY possible way, they have made that very clear, and I will be applying for any possible scholarship to keep studying.

I went on, made friends, met new people, life was amazing for the first 2 months, until last week, I had a bad trip and I opened my eyes to the friends I have, to the people around me ... I’m going in a circle, I’m back where I started, I’m making fake friends by offering too much and being very pushy, I’m being treated like I was when I was an addict, I don’t have people who care about me, or even want me around, I’m this pathetic weak idiot who lets everyone take advantage of him.

PS. Going to university and leaving my job got rid of my anger issues and I’m very calm and relaxed, I can hold my anger and never had an anger attack.

Ending:



This is not a pity post, for all I care, this post will die and I’m fine with it, I finally understand so much about my life, I saw my family for who they are and I understood why my “friends” were always acting weird, I finally see it, and want to work on myself to fix the piece of crap that I turned out to be..


Some of you have probably gone through much worse things in their lives, and I can only imagine the effect it had on their lives without realizing it or knowing about them, some of you figured it out early, some might never figure it out.

Life is not always happy stories and success, it’s ups and downs, and that is what creates a personality, and when that personality is damaged by other uncontrollable factors, it’s up to us to shape it how we want, and I will start shaping mine from this night!



TL;DR :

Had a bad trip that got me to realize that I had a fucked up childhood and it really affected me and I’m a socially awkward person who doesn’t have friends and that the people are taking advantage of, and I have been throwing my self at people and I was always the weird rich kid..( no I’m not rich, just dumb )