Title seems boring but I swear this story is an interesting read even though it makes me actually cringe.

I have quite recently (in the past year) found a new group of friends. It’s made up of me and 3 old friends and then 6 new ones. I find it very easy and comfortable for others if I make a fool of myself or make jokes that are about myself. I’d rather people were laughing at me than they were laughing at someone who had done something stupid or accidentally caused a scene. I manage to do this quite well by always creating self- deprecating jokes, dancing like a lunatic on nights out and getting myself very very drunk. But recently I have realised I don’t want to be like this forever. I want to be respected and thought of in a more classy way I guess? At New Years I literally walked around one of the new friends house with no trousers or boxers on and gave someone my jeans as a blanket... I accidentally poured beer all over one of my friends while explaining a story drunk. I started flirting with a girl at a party and I ended up doing stuff with her leaving, meeting one of my friends, kissing her, and then stating she was a bad kisser even though she probably wasn’t but I was just so hammered. And it’s almost got to the point when people hear all this they just think oh well classic (Insert my name here)

Anyway let me get to the story that is relevant, the breaking point.
My friend who we will call ‘Wade’ decided about 2 and a half months ago he was going to have a party at his house while his Mom was away. He wanted to have our friend-group and his friends from college meet. I was so excited because honestly this friend is so much fun and I love drinking with him and hanging out but also I couldn’t wait to get drunk with his new friends and our current group of friends because I feel super comfortable around them. Anyway the day comes and I had been so excited, I arrived with others and we met Wade’s college friends who were pretty friendly and cool. Skip about two hours we’re all getting pretty drunk and having a good time when suddenly I’ve became aware how drunk I actually am especially due to the lack of food and stupid amount of shots I had. Flash forward a while later at some point me and my friend who we will call ‘Jasmine’ must have decided you know what? We’ll have sex. To clarify Jasmine is the girl I kissed and told her she was bad. And also probably good to know I’m a virgin. We went upstairs and undressed and started kissing etc. Wade came upstairs and kicked us out his room and said we can go in another room. So after this happens we start to well you know but just my luck I get a great strike of ‘Whiskey Dick’ and nothing was happening. Now this next part I don’t remember at all but my friend told me. I apparently blamed this on Jasmine stating she must not be attractive enough for me to get hard. Hearing this sober the next day crushed me. I can’t believe I said that to her let alone saying that to anyone I felt and still feel awful. The window was also open so everyone downstairs heard us. Jasmine left the room and began crying in the bathroom. After this I got my clothes on and headed downstairs and Wade went upstairs and comforted her. I then also flirted with (We’ll call her Carly) who is Wade’s crush and someone he’s trying to start a relationship with. Some girl got me to stop but I have no recollection of this. I decided to go home and Wade offered to walk me and for some reason I just went right up to him and said and I quote ‘You know what? Don’t fucking bother, Stop speaking’ then I walked out the door and slammed it so hard everyone heard and checked what had happened. I then realised I didn’t have my keys so I sat on the kerb outside his house planning my next move. Wade then came outside and said I could stay at his, he then guided me upstairs in my drunken state and put my in a room. At one point I got undressed and was going to sleep but instead wrapped myself in bedsheets and went and argued with Wade. I stood upstairs while he was downstairs with everyone else watching and after him telling me to go back to bed I went and dropped the sheet so everyone saw my ass as I walked away...

I woke up at his and started conversations with Jasmine the other girls and Wade’s college friend for abit then headed home. Wade came to mine later after I attempted to sleep off my hangover and told me what happened with Jasmine and how I acted when he was trying to get me to calm down. I was fucking mortified. I’m the funny guy not an angry or violent or malicious person at all so this really hurt to hear. I explained myself and apologised and even messaged Jasmine who just said we should forget about it.
I feel awful I had a shower and decided to brush my teeth but when I did i couldn’t even look at myself in the mirror cause I was so disgusted with myself. Some people have spoken to me and just laughed it off saying just another one of my stunts or that this is just classic me and think the whole thing will be fine and its just a bad situation but things will be fine. Thats what sucks the most. I cannot believe how I acted and frankly I don’t care I got whiskey dick I’m not embarrassed that happens cause guess what it fucking happens sometimes, but how I spoke and how I treated some of my closest friends just is not fucking acceptable and I’m not okay with it. This was the breaking point with myself, I have developed a particular dislike with who I am and what I am capable of but this was the last straw. I’m not gonna let alcohol or trying to be a stupid idiot and have ‘jokes’ ruin my friendships with people and destroy my social life. I just can’t let it, but seriously don’t know what to do...
I wrote this out hoping I’ll feel better but i don’t know. I think I just need to apologise to who I could’ve hurt and become a better version of myself because I can’t go on much longer like this I can’t.