This past year and a half has been really tough, and I feel like everyone is getting bored of my bad luck.

On September 21st, 2017, a week before my 17th birthday, our dear family friend Brian passed away in hospital. This was a shock, as just the day before he was ready for discharge (he said he’d stay one more night, to save my mum rushing over to get him). He was always pretty ill, he was diabetic and partially deaf and blind so needed a lot of help too, but we loved him all the same, like he was part of the family. I miss him a lot, and I think of him every day.

On December 14th, 2017, our family dog, Bruno, a gorgeous German Shepherd, at the mighty age of 9 and a half, was put to sleep. He had suffered with seizures for a few months, and as he lost control of his body, before he was in any pain, we made the decision to let him go. It was at the time he was put down that I was started to come to terms with the loss of Brian, and his loss made everything hurt just a little bit more.

We had a quiet 6-7 months following the loss of Bruno, Brian’s memory still fresh in our minds. The funeral had been and gone, his things had been sorted, and as he had no family of his own, we were able to keep small trinkets in his memory. We kept Bruno’s collar, and his favourite food bowl, and tried as a family to heal together.

My Great Grandmother was unwell, though. She was 97, and only just getting the first symptoms of heart failure in July of ‘18. She stayed with us until the 3rd of August, when she passed away peacefully in her sleep after a few days of end of life care.

The loss of my great grandmother was followed fairly closely by one of the most painful losses of my young life. I’m only 18, but my life has been littered with loss and death, having a fairly old family. But this loss wasn’t one of old age, or illness, like I had seen or experienced before.

1st of October, 2018, an hour before my driving test, I got a call from my sister. My grandad had collapsed, and was undergoing CPR by paramedics. But I knew before she even said it that it was hopeless. The post midterm determined that he had an aortic aneurysm, and had died instantly as it burst.

I remember putting the phone down and just feeling sick. I called my dad and asked what was going on, sobbing I think understandably, and he couldn’t even choke the words out. He offered that I didn’t have to go and do the driving test if I didn’t want to, but I did anyway.

5 minutes before the test, and all I could do was cry. But we couldn’t afford to pay for another test, I knew that. I remember splashing my face with cold water, taking a few deep breathes, and walking into the test centre like nothing had happened, smiling and trying hard to hold back my tears. I could cry when I got home.

I passed. 4 minors. A bitter victory.

Since all these things have happened, all I’ve been able to do is grieve. The quick succession of all of it has left me always only getting half way up to being ok again, only to be knocked down.

This is the first time I’ve ever really expressed the full extent of what’s happened, as I think everyone is kind of sick of all the drama. My friends, though understanding, I feel would rather I dealt with it on my own.

Anyone I would have confided in outside of my household has died and I am finding adjusting to it hard. I never realised how much I loved these people until they were gone. I had considered suicide, I had the pills in my hand, but I flushed them away. Thankfully, I was able to conclude that suicide wasn’t the answer, and that I wasn’t going to be another loss to my family.

thanks for reading anyone who got this far. I hope that someone, somewhere who may be having the same kind of issues can find solace in the fact that out there is someone who knows exactly how you’re feeling. :)