This will be long

Also sorry if it seems all over the place, I've never had to explain this before

Growing up i never felt connected to my parents. They were always working weekdays and on weekends they just wanted to relax, so i don't remeber them ever giving me much attention, but i do feel like they favored my sister over me. It seemed like my father was harder on me because i was a boy but i don't think that was the case. I think he saw too much of himself in me and hated that so he bashed on me pretty hard by saying I'd never amount to much and how he hated me, it didn't help he's a raging alcoholic. My sister also made things worse on me by antagonizing me (she's two years older by the way) and trying to provoke me into some yelling match which she would always blame me for starting and of course my parents would side with her. I learned to hate than love i guess. My dad would constantly yell at me. I seriously think it was every day he would yell at me for something and after a while i got used to it, i became numb to him and his anger and the feelings it gave me. The only thing that brought me comfort was video games which my father didn't like me doing. I think it's the same thing as him watching football ya know. Just some sort of escape.

My mom was quiet. When my dad would yell at me, she would sit there and do absolutely nothing to defend me. I never really though about it untill recently but she was just a bystander in my life, same with my sister. She was more of a inconvenience but thought 6th to 12th grade i never really interacted with her except for fighting. I didn't really have anyone in my corner. I had a best friend who made things easier for me but over all my home life was more like a prison. My parents never let me hang out with friends until i was 15 so that was great for my social skills and even worse for my school life. I never saw school as my learning time, i saw it as my escape time from jail and a time i get to hang out with my friend so naturally i didn't do well in school. Even when i was with my friend i only thought about the negative. He was much better looking than me, he was more confident in himself, he was great at school like it was nothing. I somehow hated my best friend yet i stayed because i felt like if i was 100% alone i wouldn't function properly.

From 6th to 9th grade , it was nothing but depression and hate for everyone and everything and i thought it was normal, i thought that it was ment to be like this. I had a suicidal episode but i feel like everyone has those so i won't talk about it too much. So up till 9th grade i was just a void hole of nothing except hate. I was in a group chat for an rp thing about fairy tale, my best friend told me about this app called kik, i downloaded it and he added me to that group chat but i rarely talked. It had tones of people in it from around the the US and UK. One day this girl text me hey and me being the uninterested person i am i ignored it, but she knew i was looking at them so she called me out and i made up some bullshit excuse about how i was busy in class or something. She said it was fine so we just kinda continued taking. A couple months later and sonehow I'm having this long distance relationship with some girl from the UK. I didn't particularly care about it at the time, i just thought it would be neat to be dating someone from the UK so i went with it.

I completely fell for this girl

After 9 of talking and opening up about my home life and my abusive father i realized I'd never told anyone about most of these problems and i was shocked she didn't run away. I got to visit her a year into our relationship since her parents baught me a ticket to the uk, where i spent a week with her there and it was probably the first time i felt true joy...at least i thought....we had sex and immediately after, i thought that i didn't find her attractive or interesting anymore. It was more like a lusting i was feeling more than joy i guess. After another year she ended up cheating on me and i just thought it was another thing that's supposed to happen and it is what it is.

I was 17 when that happened and I'm 19 now, alot of things have changed in my environment and am now realizing how fucked up i am mentally for kind of using that girl and feeling mostly hate and negativity. What do i do? I feel like i have no empathy for anyone and don't even care if my own parent's die? Are these due to the things i posted above or am i just fucked up?

Also i know my story is all over the place but this is the most I've written in my entire life and I'm not a great story teller