It's almost been one year since I escaped my abuser. I remember everything so vividly, it hurts my soul. Every punch, kick, every slur of insult.. that I'm a bitch, I'm worthless and I'm nothing but a "nice bit of leg" and ass. That if I can't be proper girlfriend material to him, I'm not good to anyone. The day I finally escaped was the best day of my life, but in a strange way it also feels like the worst day of my life. I don't mean that in a way that I want him back, but more so in a way that my life feels like it has continuously spiraled out of control non-stop.

To summarise it in a basic way... I drink too much to the point I get black out drunk because I fucking enjoy feeling somewhat confident and like I'm a fun person to be around. I have self destructive thoughts that Im truly not good enough, no one will want me. Every little failure, even the smallest of ones, hit me so hard and I don't know why. There are times when I feel like I want to die, but at the same time I'm nor the type or have the guts to commit suicide. I sometimes feel like I want something to happen to me like a sickness, or getting into a car accident. Something quick like that where I will have no choice but to accept my fate. I also experience plenty of nightmares, most of them revolve around my abuser, I wake up sweating and in tears sometimes.

I try to see and experience the good in life. I have a job, some hobbies. I be around friends and family when I can, but I still feel so damn lonely. I feel like none of them truly understand the pain inside me, and I just don't know how to put anything into words when I'm feeling so shit. I live alone, most of my days are spent locking myself away from the world and doing nothing.

I thought I could finally experience a new lease of joy in life when I threw myself back into the dating pool a while back. I met a guy through a friend, we hit it off and I really like him. We weren't official, just hanging out and doing things together if you catch my drift. I admit I allowed myself to get attached too fast, but I never allowed myself to look or act too needy around him because I didn't want to screw anything up. But anyways, long story short, he called things off due to him not having the mental capacity to handle anything serious right now. I felt like my heart was torn in half, whatever is left of it. I feel so stupid for feeling this way, its not like it was a real long term relationship but it certainly felt like it could be something special. He made me feel safe, happy, and most of all I had his texts to smile at the first moments I woke up in the mornings. It really fucking hurts, I still really like him and I don't know how to handle this sort of heartbreak at all.

I don't really know what sort of advice I'm asking for here, but all in all I'm struggling to see the light in life right now. I feel like I'm stuck in a rut and I just don't know how to pull myself back out. Any advice is much appreciated. If you've read all of this, thank you for reading.