Guilty. I overused that word lol sorry. But ig that’s cuz my brain’s overusing it right now.


Basically, my(16M) abusive boyfriend(17M) raped me 5 days ago (actually, I realized through overthinking all of this that almost every time we had sex during the one year relationship, it was rape because I never consented, really, except for the first time and a few times later), and it all kind of clicked in my head after this particularly violent experience.


My whole body hurt after and I couldn’t stop crying for a whole day, the second day I felt entirely (mentally, cuz physically everything still hurt) numb and then helpless, and then I couldn’t stop thinking about it over and over and over and I had to tell my parents and brother.


I feel like I ruined everything. I feel like everyone was in their comfort and I hurt them by being hurt. I know it’s not my fault, but it makes me feel guilty anyway.


My mom comes home around 11 pm and is too exhausted to spend time with us other than on the weekends, and just goes straight to sleep, so hiding my physical injuries for the first two days for fairly easy, since my dad and I don’t talk anyway. I just locked myself in my room. Mom would come by before work on these two days and knock, ask if I’m okay, and what food she’d made at night and stuff, I said I’m fine and that’s that.


So when I told her 3 days ago, she fucking lost it. She kept saying it was her fault that her baby was hurt and she wasn’t there for me etc which isn’t at all how I felt. I’ve never seen my dad cry, and I watched him sob. He left work to stay with me at home now. I feel so shitty about that. I feel like such a burden.


We reported it, we’re working with the police and whatnot, had to go get me examined by a professional. I’m sorry if this gets graphic/unrelated, but I don’t wanna tell my therapist this or ever have to say this anywhere else and I feel like I can say it here just so you know how uncomfortable it was for my parents to hear. I feel ashamed they had to hear that. Basically, my hole’s pretty torn, not exactly on the outside (although it does extend to the outside too) but yeah so that hurts. And I watched my mom lose her shit and my dad punch a wall at the doctor’s office hearing that. I have bite marks on my neck (not hickeys, bloody bite marks with tooth holes), busted lip, black eye, anyway, a lot of solidifying evidence which is sorta what I view it as. They also basically said I have scars from the previous assaults too, and I don’t really have time to get upset over it myself cuz all I’m upset about is that my mom thinks she failed me because she hadn’t noticed before. I’ve deliberately done everything so she wouldn’t notice. I used to wear skin tight close all year round, idk, cuz I’m a little prick and I liked it when my abs showed and shit like that, I switched to loose sweaters and turtlenecks winter last year. Last year, he busted my lip again and mom asked what happened, I said someone accidentally opened a locked in my face which is a very stupid lie but she bought it. It’s not her fault she bought it. She wouldn’t have a reason not to. She didn’t even know I was gay ffs how would she even imagine I had a boyfriend, let alone an abusive one. No one really thought that. No one really expects a guy to be raped and beaten on a daily and it’s not really their fault. It’s society’s fault (we live in a society!!!1!)


I don’t want them to feel this way. My brother acts like I’m suddenly this precious little thing and he needs to apologize he didn’t ask me what my scars were etc. he doesn’t need to fucking apologize ffs.


I wanna take it back.


I don’t wanna be the reason my mom’s crying. I don’t wanna be the reason my dad left work. I don’t want my twin to feel like he didn’t twin me good enough.


I don’t wanna go to court, I don’t wanna leave school.


I want my normal life back. I want to go back and pretend it never happened.


I know I did the right thing but it all feels so wrong. I feel all wrong. I want my life back.


Sorry, had to get this off my chest.



TL;DR - I told my parents what happened to me and they feel guilty. I feel guilty that they feel guilty. I never blamed them but the blame themselves, and I don’t wanna see them like that. I wish I’d just shut up about it.