I feel empty.

I’m 27 years old and I work part time at a job I hate. The woman there are currently doing an odd thing of freezing me out and not speaking to me, though I try really hard to be friendly and kind to everyone. I expressed this weird thing going on to the weekend staff at work yesterday and they said “omg, they really need to stop doing that” and “they wonder why we can’t keep people”. I guess this is reoccurring thing and has nothing to do with me personally. That is reassuring.

Still, it makes working with these woman difficult at a job I already hate and I feel empty.

School is frustrating because I have no clue if I’m making the right career choice but it’s almost over so it’s too late and I feel empty.

My relationship is the only thing I feel sure about but I feel empty.
I learned today that his type “before me”, he made that bit clear, was thin, shorter than him, and some other quality I don’t remember. None of this really matters except he was going to continue but hesitated and stopped abruptly. I know he was going to name a quality or two that was.... completely out of the ballpark of what I look like. I feel empty.
Everyone has a preference and that’s okay.

But I think back to the time he told me he wasn’t attracted to me when we first met because of my race. So that still echoes in the back of my mind like a sharp ringing of a struck chord and I feel empty.

I’m thin, I’m even kind of fit, but I am thick. I carry most of my weight in my backside and my thighs. A tiny bit on my lower stomach but that comes with the territory of my body type. Athletic pear? Who knows. I fit today’s “standard of beauty” but not my boyfriend’s. I feel empty.

My mother likes to remind me of how much smaller i was in high school. She’s always talked about my weight though. So it’s a deep insecurity of mine no matter how healthy I am.

My last relationship was terrible but boy did he make me feel attractive. He loved how I looked, he voiced it often. He was unapologetic about showing attention to my body verbally and physically. My current boyfriend loves *me* but I don’t hear his compliments often, at least not on my appearance. He compliments the “things that matter”; my heart, my kindness, my talents. They do matter, I know. I’m grateful for that. But I can’t help but feel like he still isn’t truly attracted to me and that *still* matters, regardless of what anyone says and I feel empty.

I’m emotional lately. I feel low about myself. Ugly, even. I don’t hear my boyfriend call me pretty enough. Rarely ever. I have to ask him for him to say “yes” or “of course”. I feel empty.

I hate myself for feeling insecure. I should own who and how I am without reassurance at all. I should keep in mind that I am beautiful as I am, talented, making the right choices, working toward something great, and am kind. I shouldn’t let the fact that everyone has types, and yes - that includes my boyfriend - make me feel insecure. I know this.


And yet, I feel empty.