So, I don't really know where to begin because even though everyone here is a stranger, this is the only time I've ever told anyone about this. I tried talking to a therapist at University but I didn't feel comfortable with them. I know I should probably see a doctor, and maybe I will, but first I wanted just air this out and get some opinions.


For the past 3 years, I have invasive thoughts that will literally be with me the entire day. It's not about self harm or anything, but more like an obsession that I have to think about the thing I'm thinking about in the 'right' way, or it won't be real. I know it sounds confusing, but it is most prevalent in my friendships.

I was a loner in school, and most of Uni. I worked full time, went to school full time, and didn't make time for friends because I never thought I'd make any anyway so why bother? It was a rare event that I would be out of my bed on a Saturday or Sunday. I would genuinely look forward to those two days of dong nothing except watching TV and sleeping. It wasn't until I made 2 shortly after Uni that I realized what a deep depression I was in.

Boy did my life take a 180. I was so happy, I always had plans, and I had deep conversations that built those genuine friendships I so desperately wanted. My best friend that I met in university, well another long story for another time, but we are no longer friends. I saw it coming, but I was devastated. Its been a few years now and I've moved on. That's not the point of the post. I guess the point is I'm afraid of it happening again. But this obsession thought thing started with my friendship with him, and my worst nightmare ended up coming true.

I am SO lucky to have the life I have now. I live with 2 of my closest friends near Montreal with a great night life. My best friend and I do nearly everything together. Live together, video games, outdoor activities, events, restaurants. Everything honestly. Sometimes it is just us, sometimes he and his GF, sometimes its our whole group of friends. Even the group of friends, I have great, meaningful individual friendships with them and we have awesome conversations. So why the hell do I torture my self everyday?

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For instance, one of the friends from the group told me a few months ago that he wishes we grew up together so we could have been friends our whole lives. But that he is glad at least we met in our 20s so we can be in the rest of each others lives. That meant so much to me. But sometimes throughout the day I'll catch myself saying (internally) "Okay, you have to think about that conversation and you have 5 seconds to remember exactly how you felt when he said that and if you don't its not really real and you won't stay friends" and then I'll count down from 5 frantically trying to elicit the same feeling the conversation gave me. If I fail to within the 5 seconds, I'll crack my knuckles and according to some bs 'rule' I made up, that will give me another 5 seconds to try again. But even IF I'm able to elicit the same feeling, it doesn't just go away. 10 minutes later, I may have to do the same thing again. Like, that is crazy right?

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It is worst with my best friend. Often I will spend an ENTIRE work day (I work in IT at a slow call center so believe me my mind isn't occupied) every 10 minutes or so needing to do that. Needing to remember a conversation or an experience we've had that proves why we are best friends, and giving myself the 5 second countdown. Over and over again. Sometimes I'll think "This is it, if you do it this time, you'll NEVER have to do it again you'll just always know that you'll always have his friendship and you have great times together, but if you don't do it, its all over" And then I'll do it! Only to repeat later on. God it sounds crazy. I feel so paranoid, that for some reasons my friends are not going to want to be friends with me, I have MAJOR FOMO that I internalize because I don't want to look insecure and needy and push them away. Thing is, we always invite eachother anyway. Unless of course its a private date or something which doesn't bother me. But its this paranoia that one time I won't be invited to something, or he'll move far away or I'll lose contact or SOMETHING that causes me to do that counting thing.

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I just want it to stop, because I know internally we are like brothers and our friendship is never going to go away out of the blue. We all go on vacations together, I mean this is nonsense. Whenever we have an intellectual or deep conversation, or whenever we have a great time hanging out, I don't do this for a few days. But it always comes back...I can't believe I am posting this.