I've been depressed for a long time now. There's fleeting moments where I behave like a normal person, but for the most part, I'm incredibly withdrawn and disconnected from everyone and everything. That's okay, that's my normal now. I do everything for a month or two. I'll take my meds, eat right and exercise. I'll go to therapy and schedule future therapy appointments. Then I just drop it all, like I want to fail at being happy. I go back to floating between sleep, food, work, and school. Everything is just a haze and I often lose track of where I am, when it is, and what I'm doing. All of it just blurs together.

Thing is, I think I try sometimes because occasionally, I want to be able to connect to the people who care about me. I want to show I care enough about them to try and be better, but I don't. I don't care about anyone or anything. My family gets near radio silence from me, I consider a friend close if I see them once a year, and most of my conversations with my boyfriend are empty. I listen, he listens, we cuddle, sometimes we have sex and say we love eachother. I don't think he's happy either. I don't think I care enough about these connections to other people, or myself, to really stick to trying to be better and happier. I don't think I'll ever be happy and that's my own choice and fault.

I couldn't share this with the people in my life. I can't let anyone in that's going to stay. I don't want to be known, and I run away immediately from anyone that truly knows me and seems like they are going to stay in my life. I don't see a future, I don't feel like I exist in the present, and I honestly feel like one day I'm going to end up completely alone. I will have successfully drifted away from anyone who ever cared about me, and then I can finally kill myself.