the guilt. the guilt that comes from this. i remember asking you through tears how you slept at night knowing that you betrayed me. i gave you every single part of me, defended you, sacrificed for you. But you kept doing it. And I never felt good enough. I still dont feel good enough. I'm constantly paranoid that you'll do it again. I've become so insecure with myself that I turned to somewhere else for validation. but it wasnt just once... i'm sorry and I dont even know why i'm sorry. Because you treated me like absolute garbage and had not even an ounce of guilt when you did much worse. And here I am getting engulfed by the enormous amount of guilt I've been constantly burying. I keep trying to rationalize to myself that you pushed me to become this, you made me do this. Maybe its true that you broke me but it was my choice. And that's what makes me hate myself more. This isnt how my first love was meant to go. I think that's why I'm still hanging onto you.