if i could gather all of my thoughts into text and type them with ease without losing my train of thought, it would be a lot easier to convey the way i feel. but i cant and it sucks. im not even sure if, even now, im making sense.

im spiraling, fast. nothing makes me happy anymore. im exhausted and i sleep all day. i get about 10 mins of attention a day from my boyfriend and we live together. i feel like im doomed to be stuck in this limbo of instability forever. i strive to gain his attention. im pretty and 19 and kind and funny but i fear i will never be fully what anyone wants.

if i grow older, i imagine myself being a meek housewife, scared to speak her mind out of fear of her husband being mad at her. i see myself finding out one day that my husband has left me for someone else. i imagine living a pathetically tragic life until i die. i wish i was being dramatic but recently ive been looking back and reminiscing on the negatives in my life and my brain cant process the trauma and heartbreak ive endured. long nights under the covers hyperventilating and shaking till i finally passed out from exhaustion. ive started to make myself physically sick from stress. i get fevers, dizziness and now i’m getting panic attacks again.

ever since i got into dating, ive relied on people too much. i lean too hard on them and ignore all the bad because its easier to be miserable and have company than being miserable AND alone.
i have no one to talk to, all my relationships have taken huge chunks out of me that i will never ever get back and i cant trust anyone. i have been abandoned by everyone i have ever loved either physically or emotionally. i have been repeatedly cheated on, relationships founded on a stream of lies that never seemed to end. my self esteem is fucked. i hate myself, part of me knows i dont deserve the way people treat me but i ALSO know that im the worst.

i cant even talk to my boyfriend or my friends out of fear of being called an attention seeker. or dramatic. or on my period. nothing i feel or say is ever quite valid enough because what do i have to be depressed about right?

im severely depressed. im severely suicidal. i think everyday about slicing my wrists open and bleeding out in the bathtub. i just want to be loved in a right way i want someone to find solace in me and feel warm and protected when theyre near me.

i have so much love to give and nobody wants it.
im close to giving up. ive been depressed before but for the past 6 months ive been struggling daily to find something worth looking forward to and i dont see anything meaningful. im scared to die because i dont know whats on the other side but im beginning to think that it probably wont be so bad.
this isnt a plea, i just actually have nobody to talk to. nobody who listens. ill probably feel dumb for posting this, but it felt good to get this off my chest.