I’ve decided to come on here again because I really need advice on what to do. If anyone can help me in anyway please do. I’m desperate.

Okay so I decided I would just come on here and ask this question because I had an experience recently that really kinda put everything into perspective and got me thinking about how I actually feel about myself. I wanna be vague as possible because I don’t want anyone in my personal life finding this and reading this and start worrying about me, pitying me etc. But here we go.

So I’m a 17 gay teen and ever since I can remember I’ve hated how I look. Like I mean hated. I remember in preschool I used to get these like weird rushes through my body like a hot/cold feeling, feeling like I was in the wrong body or that there was just something wrong with it. It was horrible I just felt out of place. I remember a little later on being like 7 or so, looking at other kids in school always wondering why I don’t look like a normal person or why I can’t be normal. I was always considered ‘weird’ even now. Half of the teachers I had in elementary school said I had social issues to my parents at my PT meetings. I grew up the eldest of four with one sister and two brothers. One of my brothers is autistic and my other brother and sister both suffer from anxiety.

So to cut a long story short, I pretty much have gone through my childhood and most of teen years thinking I’m ugly, later annoying and later that something is wrong with me. I feel like everyone secretly finds me EXTREMELY annoying and yeah sure I have my days where I don’t care but the vast majority of days and especially lately it’s becoming harder to leave the house never mind go to school. I feel like I’m such an inconvenience to everyone in my life, my parents, my friends, my teachers, my classmates and I’m just so sick of ‘being’ for lack of a better word. And no, I’m not suicidal for anyone concerned.

It’s just scary because lately it’s been getting so out of hand. I’ve dated here and there and I dread having sex someday, I’ve only had one sexual experience with a guy and it was traumatising. I feel like I just never want to date and stay alone forever because the stress of having an actual boyfriend scares tf out of me. And I’m always afraid of being needy or clingy in a relationship and I usually go between extremes of loving and hating them until they leave me. I feel so awkward and ugly wherever I go and I constantly rehash every bad/awkward/embarrassing thing I’ve ever done over and over in my head. Sometimes I’ll wake up in the middle of the night sweating and crying about how ugly I am and I don’t know why because I know looks don’t matter. I’ve always been extremely skinny (I’m 5ft7 and 110lbs).

The situation that made me really start thinking about this was on a work experience trip where me and my friend were working in a childcare centre and I locked myself in the bathroom and had to call her to get me out. It was so embarrassing and I’m so ashamed of myself because clearly I can’t seem to act like a normal human being.

And I know looks don’t really matter. Like I know that. That’s what annoys me. I’m not a dumb person, I mean I’m pretty intelligent, I’m into music and I make videos on YouTube and I’m able to edit and everything. I do singing lessons and speak 3 languages so it’s like I know theoretically I’m not that sh*t a person on paper. But I’m just such a mess and I wanna clean myself up.