Last year I was used by someone I trusted. It wasn't really *that* bad. In late 2017, I had just gotten out of a three year abusive relationship, and I had developed a small crush on someone online. I (then 20F) liked him(at the time 25M) a lot, but I just thought it was fun to be able to have a crush again then. I didn't want to do anything seriously with them.

After a few conversations, and after the crush was apparently mutual, we'd both admitted it, he'd offered me a fwb thing. I said no, and it honestly freaked me out a bit. The next day he apologized, and then asked again. I said I'd think about it (and left it there until February of 2018). He asked again after I had made a small post about craving intimacy in general (I was pretty lonely) and I caved.

The week after he asked to see where it goes and date. It lasted a bit, and then less frequently we would talk. I was lonely, I noticed he'd respond if i offered nudes, so that's what I did. I really hated it, and after 6 months of doing that and months of feeling like that was all that I was worth I had to ask.

I guess I got used for 6 months and he strung me along? It wasn't that bad, but I'm still really really messed up about it. My self worth was and is still really negative, and I can't understand why someone would legitimately want to talk to me without gaining something.

My boyfriend is selfless, an amazing, beautiful soul in and out, and somehow I feel like I don't deserve it. All this from a year ago makes me feel worthless every day, and I'm not sure when it will stop. I want to enjoy my relationship and dive headfirst into it, but I'm so confused. I've been with my boyfriend for a year, and I love him to bits! But I still think about what happened last year, and I feel gross. I feel so stupid. I think about it daily. I want to stop thinking about it but I can't. I go on the dude's Twitter to make sure he's not going to do it again. It started so innocently. I see the guys name and I panic or a post or drawing and I feel woozy.

We discussed it a few months ago, but his apology was misplaced with paragraphs of excuses, and empty promises that "Itll get better" and to take my healing "Day by Day" as if my hurt and pain wasn't caused by him.

I don't know how to stop thinking about it and it just eats me up. This isn't even for advice, because I'm not sure I'll ever really stop thinking about this, even if it seems so minor. Everyone gets used eventually right? So why is it so hard for me to stop dwelling about? Why am I letting it get to me so bad?