I was heavily bullied from 5 years old up until I was 18 for being the weird kid. I had a small cluster of friends, but this eventually split into only have two because of my lack of social awareness and not having any understanding of boundaries. Once I got into drugs, I was able to make plenty more friends and socializing was drastically easier. I started therapy as well and developed a way better understanding of boundaries. Eventually I stopped using, but I was still able to retain some of the confidence I had from my previous successful social interactions. I became partially disabled a year later, and then 6 months later, lockdown happened.

Now I feel like everyone else I talk to is just merely tolerating my presence. My coworkers kind of shrug me off when I try to talk to them sometimes and it crushes me. I don't understand why. I try not to act any different from how they socialize with eachother. I'm scared to talk to my physical therapist because I'm terrified he's just waiting for my session to be over. I have a small group of friends I made at a concert back in 2019, and I feel like I'm choking if I try to interact with any of them. I only mostly speak to my one friend and my wife, and my wife is living in another country right now. They're the only people aside from my mom and my dad that I'm fully comfortable around. I go see my friend maybe once every 3 weeks, if that. Aside from that, I only leave the house to go to work, PT and buy groceries when I physically can. On the very rare occasion I see my concert friends, I have to drink if I don't want to stew in the crushing embarrassed feeling. I play FFXIV and I've tried talking to people on there, and I can't even do that. I just shut my computer down by the power button and cry. I can't even open FFXIV lately because I'm so embarrassed with myself.

I recently realized I'm autistic, and that's why I've always felt like I never had the tools to socialize. I am so cripplingly lonely. I talk to my wife everyday, and my friend every couple of days, but as much as I love them both, I still have this crushing feeling of just emptiness in my chest. And every time I try to do something about it, it just floods with the most painful embarrassment. I just want to make friends that have the same interests. I want to be able to make small talk, and talk to my coworkers about what they've been up to lately without feeling like a freak. I want to leave my house and not feel like I'm wearing neon orange in a sea of people with white shirts. I fucking hate being neurodivergent and I fucking hate myself. And fuck the US healthcare system for not only making it expensive as fuck for me to receive therapy, but also having me on a God damn wait list for over a year now.