I (20f) was in a toxic relationship in high school that lasted 2 years (almost) with my ex-gf. She pushed me around a lot, she was emotionally abusive, and she was sexually abusive towards me. we always fought, and I spent a lot of time being angry, at myself, at her, at my family who just wanted to help me get away from her. she cheated on me a few times, though she always denied it. it was toxic! and thats not to say i didn't do anything. I was very commanding of her. i didn't want her to talk to other people, i basically never let her talk to her female or male friends (we're both bi). in fact, aside from being mentally abusive, i pretty much did everything to her she did to me. the difference is that she started it.

i used to think about her with anger since we broke up. but.. i think maybe it was self hate. i know nothing about it is healthy, but she was my soulmate you know? or at least we convinced each other of that.

and it's terrible, because im in a new relationship, i love this new girlfriend, shes healthy for me and we are very happy. and everyday im racked with guilt because at the back of my mind shes still got me locked up.

I miss her everyday. like everyday. its not that i think about her everyday, but i know deep down shes the one i wish i was with. I wish she would message me. i long to kiss her everyday. id run away with her and live a horrible, bittersweet life with her for as long as i lived.

i wish i was dead. but i know i just got to move on.