ANGER

The emotion I feel most strongly is anger. If I get angry, it can last for days – this low burning, deep anger. Sometimes it dominates my mood, but other times I don’t even realise it’s there until something trivial happens and I explode. I stay angry even when I know I’m being irrational, or cruel; in fact, that makes me even angrier. I become extremely critical of those closest to me - my boyfriend and my best mate. I get mean. I’m a small, unimposing, introverted woman and these two grown-ass men are afraid of me. I don’t know why they still have anything to do with me.  

ANXIETY

The emotion I feel most consistently is anxiety. I’m always dreading something. Sometimes I forget what I’m dreading, and have to actively stop and try to remember what it is. I sometimes become too anxious to work. I am in a highly-skilled, highly-paid position. I’m waiting for them to realise how shitty I am and fire me. I anaesthetise myself by playing video games with friends, but then the video games make me angry. I’m convinced my friends dislike me (not unrealistic – we bond through playing competitive games together, and I have a reputation for getting mad at games). At social events, I’ll invariably end up hiding in a bathroom stall for up to an hour. I’m hyperfocused on my appearance and body/facecheck constantly. If I don't look okay people won't like me, because I have nothing else going for me. I dieted too hard and my hair stopped growing.

SADNESS

I’m a shit person. I hate my appearance and my personality. I’m bad at my job. I often just want to lie in bed all day, but I can’t. I’m not depressed because I can still convince myself to get up, have a shower, do my hair and makeup, go to work, go grocery shopping, go to a café. My only family is my mum and we’re not that close. My only real friend is my best friend, and I’m a dick to him. I don’t know if I love my boyfriend of ten years. I don’t miss him when we’re apart for weeks at a time. I don’t know if I even feel love. I get really scared when I think something’s happened to my boyfriend or my best friend. Is that love?

Occasionally I’ll feel happy. Maybe once a fortnight. It always feels weird and insane and short-sighted. It makes me anxious because I figure something’s about to go wrong. I just moved to another country that I always dreamed of living in, and I couldn’t care less. I’ve barely bothered to explore it.