I’m having trouble sleeping tonight like most nights, but tonight especially because someone loves me. My best friend and SO. I love them, but I know I’m not good enough for them. They say I am. I’m not. I know I’m not because despite years of me trying to bend over backwards for her and work so hard to get better, I have failed her on multiple occasions. I’ve hurt her in big time ways. She still loves me. I don’t know why. Why won’t she just cut me off?
Unfortunately, in the past two weeks I suddenly fell quite quickly to rock bottom and became very suicidal. It was a perfect storm to create the situation. Lately, I have struggled incredibly with leaving my house or my room at all. I haven’t went to school several days. I am going to push myself very hard and force me into school tomorrow because I’m not going to fail her again.
Even tonight, she hasn’t slept because she knows I’m in disarray, but I’ve tried to calm her concerns though they’re valid. She needs to sleep, but I need help.
She was the first person to ever give me a chance, and she keeps giving me chances. She was the first and probably only person to ever see anything in me. I don’t see anything in me, and I don’t understand why she’d love me.
I’m stupid. I’m mentally broken and trauma-scarred. I’m irredeemable. It hurts to know someone as good as her goes through the pain of holding onto me.