Growing up I was a mess. Anti-social through highschool, dealing with sever health issues in college (though I tried to fix my anti-social behavior anyways). finally got to a point with my health where I could actually start living a life. Started therapy, started working on self improvement and Ive made amazing strides. I have a group of friends I enjoy spending time with and hanging out with, I'm pursuing a degree in a career field with good prospects. I've learned how to better socialize and when hanging out I feel like people want me there, want my opinion, enjoy my jokes, ect.

So out in "the real world" i'm actually doing pretty ok. My problem is, its all fucking fake. I put up the mask when I go out, I behave the way i should in certain social situations, but underneath I'm an emotional mess.

Due to how i grew up I have a lot of emotional scars. The big ones are insecurity, depression, anxiety. Even though I know on a mental level everyone likes me (at least enough to keep inviting me over) I still FEEL like no one wants me there. I broke up with the only GF Ive ever had a few months ago. We met online around 4 years ago, and we spent 3 years of that time as friends but we eventually admitted to each other that we had been much more than friends for a while and we became a couple. WE eventually met up in person and spent time together. But I broke up with her because we were completely incompatible. neither of us could leave our support systems to move, neither of us could really "be there" for the other when going through something, and we had vastly different core values.

So I have no emotional support system out side of my therapist and my priest. I have no one to share the good things in my life with, or to hug when things are rough. I think the last time i had any sort of affectionate touch with a woman was 6+ months ago. Not even a hug since then.

I live my life constant miserable, because I'm having to constant live in a state of behaving contrary to my emotions. The reason is simple, my emotions have no basis in reality. Just because someone went into the other room to grab a glass of water doesn't mean that they hate me and don't want to talk to me. So I'm constantly having to try to behave in a mature way despite all these immature bullshit emotions.

Also, in this friend group is a woman Ive gotten to know. Initially I had no interest in her, we have become fairly good friends (hangout multiple times a week, sometimes in groups sometimes just the 2 of us). She isn't "hot" but she is certainly good looking. Thing is I've developed feelings for her and i really wish I hadn't. We are in very different places in life, she has her shit together, owns her home, ect. I'm still in college scraping by. We have very different religious beleifs that are frankly at odds with each other. Thats fine for a friendship but not for a romantic relationship. She has also had a problem with guys getting to know her, and she just wants to be friends, and then drama and either they sort their shit out or they stop hanging out with us. Its really messing with her, she just wants people to see her as a person and not just to want to get in her pants. She straight up isn't looking to date at this point, she is divorced and has a lot of baggage from that. Like physical contact results in extreme anxiety type of baggage.

But of course, my fucking idiot brain decided that It would fall for her. So now, when I'm around her, I'm keeping my mouth fucking shut about that, and having to make sure I don't accidentally give away the fact that I'm into her. Because on a mental level I DON'T WANT A RELATIONSHIP WITH HER, the friendship is good, its what we both need right now. I'm 99% sure she has no interest in me that way, and even if she did she wouldn't want to date (she has not dated people she DOES like that way because she just can't deal with it right now). She has done NOTHING to cause this. She doesn't flirt, she isn't touchy (quite the opposite) , outside of some mild banner (which we all do with each other) there is absolutely nothing to cause these feelings. Yet here I fucking am. All of my friends ive basically met through my friendship with her, her house is where we all hangout. I have a shit ton of respect for her, and the absolute last fucking thing I want to be is just another guy who got to know her, then wanted something more with her. So I'm desperately trying to hide how I feel about her so she feel weird.

But that also means I can't open up to her about what I Deal with. Granted I wouldn't do that anyways, no one wants to listen to a grown man borderline cry cause he just wants a relationship. I get it, its draining to listen to so I keep it to myself. But I feel like I'm going to explode cause there is NO ONE to talk to about ANYTHING in my life. I'm tired.

tl;DR I'm tired of keeping all my emotions to myself.