This is probably going to be a long and ranty(?) post and I'm really not sure if this is the place to put it but it seems fitting enough.

I started dating a girl a few years (lol, 4 years) older than I when I was 14 and I had crushed on her for very long beforehand. This was honestly the ideal relationship to me as a naive younger kid that was turning 15 not too long later, and I think it felt that way because I had crushed on her for so long before & we were more close friends than anything. We did the same things and talked constantly. Eventually things went south, the age gap felt weird, and looking back, it should have at the time, but there was no malicious intent. We were close friends with the label of boyfriend & girlfriend and that was it.

Not long after this, I ended up dating a boy who really messed me up mentally. We dated for around 14 months but it was something i felt trapped in, I was still young and naive but I really put my heart into it, I felt a lot more mature mentally going into this and leaving it I felt broken, he had cheated on me many times, with friends I had(and still have, actually) and was extremely manipulative, telling people we had broken up and to cut me off or to keep things quiet, and so on. This went on for around 11 months before someone had came to me and told me everything, and my dumbass was blinded by things and didn't believe literally any of it, with proof right in front of me. I let the doubts eat at me for 3 months until I encountered it firsthand. It killed me mentally, and the events of that time still come back to me, possibly because i associate people who dealt with his bullshit (they also dislike him now).

I took a break after that until February this year, and ended up dating a girl I had crushed on through the end of highschool.

We're still dating, and that's why I'm making this post.

I once again felt very into the relationship for a few months, every day was fun, we spent time together constantly. I felt extreme attraction to her. She helped me mentally with a lot of things because other parts of my real life had deteriorated far beyond my control, and it really made me feel better.

Until the beginning of June. I felt like we weren't talking as much anymore, which proved to be true, it was conversations every few days, and seeing eachother once a week.. I told myself it was fine and people need space, I'm not as clingy as I used to be because of past events so I wouldn't stress myself on it. It wasn't that big of a deal, and I genuinely didn't mind, until I went on vacation and she didn't contact me at all or even want to go with me, and when we got back, it was the same few times a week ordeal. My mindset had been devolving more and more recently and now I feel like we're in this hopeless stance of close friends but dating but not actually close anymore, and honestly, that I'm replaceable. I've been going through a lot so it really hurts to think about and deal with since I've got other things on my plate, and I don't know what to do about this.

I messaged her last week about breaking up and focusing on my own mental and physical health, and also said that I still loved her, because well, i do, she's an important person to me.

She freaked out. She told me that if I cared about her I wouldn't break up with her and I'd give her another chance to change things and be closer to me, although she was the reason I felt like we weren't close???. After a very long and basically one sided conversation, we were broken up for 2 days. And then I caved and we started talking again and we're still "dating".

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I don't see this lasting. I also don't see anything changing in future relationships, and I want to take a break.

What do I do? How do I change my mindset about this stuff? I'm not the most confident or attractive person but I have some good qualities, but I just can't see myself being happy later on. I feel very.. compliant to whatever happens and it bothers me.

Sorry I don't have a non-vague question.

TLDR; Being cheated on constantly by someone hurt me for a very long time, now have doubts about my current relationship, mentally deteriorating - don't know what to do, seeking advice.