M (23) ; F (27)

Before reading I’m also aware some individuals are okay & into the idea of their partners being with a lot of people before them & hearing their stories or to be cheated on. A lot of people love it as their kink or fetish, not me.

My ex girlfriend slipped to tell me on a drunken night between us that she was with so many guys before me that she didn’t even know what number I was. This happened 4-5 months of being in the relationship, I never knew. She would still have her ex’s as friends on social media, has their numbers, & even found pictures of her with her ex still on her phone. Which she has a baby with that ex which also has 5 other kids with 5 different women who’s became all friend with my ex. Who claims she hates him & he is Not worthy to be around his child cause he doesn’t even pay child support. I saw that little girl as my baby, I miss her to this day which I hate that things went this way from not knowing that side of her from the beginning before dating. This went downhill to making me constant insecure & jealous.

We met her at the place we used to work at & at the moment she was pregnant which means “has a man” to anyone who doesn’t know the person right ?
I was there out just focus on my work, we became friends as well with me befriending everyone there since I was new. There was other two female co workers that I became close in that moment. Months later I moved into another work location, my ex & I were just friends but lost a bit of connection when I left. She just had a baby & so I wasn’t really in her life. I became more closer to the other two co workers in the time of me working at the other place, nothing of looking for a relationship or anything but friendship. One of them had a crush on me & on a night out we ended up having sex happened out of doing xanax. To this, my ex was nothing with me & we weren’t close or even talking. The girl who slept with me who was my friend we left it that that night & remained as friends.

Somewhat we lost connection of friendship so we didn’t talk anymore.
Months pass by & my ex starting being active with messaging me & telling me she misses me & wanted to hang out, she was always cancelling last minute or not answer my txt for the day to meet. Once we met for the first time on a night out she told me that she really liked me for so long. We talk about it, I told her I was really empty from a past relationship. (Ex before her cheated on me the day of my brother’s funeral) Which is the reason that I did not wanted to open my heart, cause I didn’t wanted to end up hurt worst then before. She insisted & I let her in. When we started dating I was already no longer talking or friend of the girl who I slept with for like 5 months. My ex was overly jealous about any girl, I got rid of my girl-friends which were about (2-3). I have always kept my circle small cause I always been an introvert. When she found out I slept with one of the girls she knew she claims I cheated on her & lie to her when I never have cheated on her. That happened months before her & I got together & before she contacted me as far as I knew she has a child with a man who I thought was in her life. I remained confident until I slowly unfolded she was still friends with many of her ex’s, found her pictures of the ex’s she had a baby with in her phone & her flirting in comments on social media with random dude. That’s when I went downhill on insecurities & jealousy. I gradually became an asshole. I was the sweetest guy to her & did things that not many man do for their partner.
In the future she started even picking things with my guy friends, She claimed to be monogamous & gave me shit for a having a friend that he was not monogamous. What does his lifestyle has to do with me? But she can be here still befriending her ex’s & having guy friend around?

Everything became a blur & all got lost. Right before us being done she got her butt done. Even that makes me feel insecure making me think that she wanted to feel better physically to the point of leaving me when she reached that to look better for other people. We lasted 1 year & 3 months. I even got a ring for her cause I was gonna engaged to her but she stopped letting me see her from the constant fights with used to have & distrust. The fights were never physical, I would never put my hands on a woman. It was about us calling each other names & the worst & telling each other that we hate one another. I did become such an ass at the end where I would say the worst names to her due to sleeping with so many dudes & all. I can’t forgive myself for all the messed up things I said to her. I miss her, I love her, I hurted her, but I guess I got to let go of what I love cause I can’t longer trust her from all. Regardless is not that would ever want this again.she went off a month without talking to me & then she txt me just to tell me she’s finally in peace to let someone else in. We haven’t talk since. We broke up about 2 months, last time we talked was about 15 days ago.

I know most guys run from a baby when it’s not theirs specially at my age, but I miss the little one. I saw her as my own, she’s turning 3 this year. I’m left with a ring & a disaster. I haven’t been able picked myself up since we broke up. All I think off is her with someone else already. I been Jobless cause I couldn’t handle myself at work anymore & drugs around me again when I left them before I got with her to be drug free for her & her daughter.

I hate me in so many way for this. My past, my actions, opening up to someone who ends up leaving & not seeming authentic, my lack of hope to keep moving.