I have good days and days where I break for a moment and get on with my day.

How do I feel right now? It’s one of those breaking moments so I will most likely regret this in about 10 mins.

I make jokes about like me ready to jump off my local bridge, they look at me worried, I just remake the joke and they laugh and stop worrying.

I just made a joke about how I actually don’t know what brings me joy and stuff in life, they laughed, no one noticed. I’ve spent the last what? 7-8 years sat in front of a computer playing games? Do I regret it? Yes. Do I stop? No. I’m good at it. I don’t really think there’s anything else to do in life other than sit and play,.

I got a job recently, I just think it passes the time, I go, talk, go home and play.

Do I feel happy and content with this? No.
Am I going to change? No.
Why am I just sitting here playing my pc. Idk. Just it’s yeh.

My family have said ‘we wouldn’t know if you’d have died in your room’ that just hits me, like idk why, just they wouldn’t even know if I had died I’m up here so much.

That’s just one issue.

I don’t go out and smoke weed and drink, I see no point in wasting time like that.

I see time fly by me, people change and leave, it just seems a little pointless to me.

There’s only one person who actually messages me first, and that’s my girlfriend, but I just feel like I’m not making the best of time.

There’s so much to do, the world can change and I know there’s nothing I do really makes a difference, we just work till death for the man above us.

Do I break down about my mother’s death at the age of 4? Idk how to feel, I can live my life without thinking about it? But can I really say I’ve been fine?

People comment on my lack of emotions, I cut my self at work the other day on a knife, they slapped salt and lemon as their ritual, I just stared at them. They saw nothing on my face, nothing, no acknowledgement of it.

My dad the other week, commented on something that just shook me, we went to my mums grave, I thought it was going to be a normal visit, I place my flowers down, I kiss the grave, I leave, like it has been for 11 years. I saw the grave and I couldn’t, it just happened, I walked off behind the church and broke.

My dad asked me into the kitchen when we got home and asked me what was wrong, as he said he had not seen me break down like that since her funeral. I don’t know, why I broke.

Just everything is empty, nothing brings joy or happiness just white noise on a day to day basis.


Idk what to fucking do.


I’ll edit this when I’ve got a clear head.