How am I supposed to know if you love me. After 11 months I am still so confused by your take on love. I can remember the first morning you said it to me softly, as I gave you a hug before you left for work. It was way too early. And so was everything else.... You crashing at my place without warning. Eventually became an every night thing. 11 months in and you live in my apartment. I fell for it, always wanting someone wanting to sleep with every night. But I still don’t know what you mean when you say you love me. You “can’t feel feelings”. You “don’t feel love the same way”. I understand at face value but when it comes to it. I have no idea how that can be. Because I am over flowing with feelings and emotions. I fell for your I love yous in the beginning but they were fake. The date nights and how you would open the car door, introduce me to your family. ... God I love your family. But I guess I should’ve been a little more bothered by your granddads girlfriend saying “Another girl??”. .... You made me feel beautiful after hating myself for so long. You gave me a little bit of the hope I had lost in the 3 year relationship prior, that not all men were terrible. Knowing what I know now, I wish I hadn’t been so naive. Because it was only a matter of time until the truth came out. The amount of girls I don’t know about is nothing compared to the few that I do. To think I’m not even better than her.... You spent the first 9 months we were together, screwing around with other people. Keeping me on the back burner for when you needed a confidence boost or a late night fuck or somewhere to sleep at night. You knew I’d be there because I was so smitten for you and the idea of us being together. But there wasn’t a second up until June when you were actually mine. Only entertaining me, only touching me, only holding me. Did you tell those girls the same thing too? Or were they just a midnight fuck you thought I’d never know about? You pulled a sweat with all the lies you threw at me. Every day, about everything. And you wonder why I can’t trust you now.... Sometimes it feels different now but sometimes I lie awake thinking about how the majority of our relationship has been and I wonder why I’m still here. I worry there’s just still things I don’t know. You’re so good at lying and manipulating. It’s like nothing to you. And those small moments where the past shines through, and I get even a small taste of what was happening before it just feels like. It’s fake, again. It getting better and seeming like I might matter to you, it’s fake?.... I don’t know how to trust you won’t hurt me again. I don’t know how to believe you aren’t hiding someone from me. I don’t think I’m the only girl in your life... After all that has happened how am I supposed to know if you love me. What do you mean, when you say that to me.