I loved you more than anything. You were my safety. It was like our souls were intertwined. I feel like you will always be apart of my mind. You were part of my developing brain. Some of the best and terrible times. 9 years together. I despise him for showing you that drug. I truly hate him for that. I hoped it was a phase and you would get over it. But you just kept spiraling downwards. I found you nodded off in a fucking parking lot after being missing for a week. I couldn’t fix you. I couldn’t help you. I got my funds together and offered to pay for one of the best rehabs. All you had to do was say yes. But when your mom died I knew that was the final straw. I fucking miss her too. She was my second mom. And I still listen to her voicemails. Do you know what they say? “Hey you miss you sweetie! Just wondering if Zach is with you, I’m real worried about him, i know you will keep an eye on him for me though...” It haunts me. But I did, Always searching for you, bringing you food when you were living in that persons backyard. Trying to get you a job. You didn’t want it. I know your soul just wasn’t meant for this world. I know you just wanted to be free from the restraints of having a 9-5 job and conforming to what society expects of you was just too much. I know you. Better than anyone. And I still fucking love you. But I decided I had to move on, I didn’t know what else to do. I was so broken and torn. I didn’t want to leave you but I felt like I had to do something for myself. Today, even though I’ve been with an amazing man now for two years, who treats me amazing, we have our own place, and a dog, you’re still there. Deep in the back of my brain. The thought of you seeps in, little things like during a dinner date, realizing this is where we have went before and I’m flooded with emotions. Why? I wish it would stop. Its not fair to my boyfriend. It’s almost tormenting me. I haven’t gotten one of your “i still love you, I’m still alive, or I’m miserable” snapchats in a while. Can’t stop thinking about the words of your mom telling me to keep an eye on you. You’re friends give me updates on you all the time. Your dad called me today. I had to tell your father the last anyone knew you were living in a Home Depot parking lot with a older woman who also does heroin. Just feeding off each other.
I just want you to be okay. I want you to be happy. You have such a beautiful unique soul you deserve happiness.
Deep down it fucking hurts. I’m still heartbroken. I still feel the need to nurture you. I still love you. I feel so fucking torn up