My dad and I have had a rocky relationship. My parents divorced when I was really young and my dad never played a role in my life. I must have been like 6 when I realized he didn't live far away, he literally lived the next town over and just wouldn't see me if my mom was there. And she had to be there because they divorced because he molested my sisters.



We saw each other no more than 6 times a year, usually more like 3, for 18 years. I didn't see him more than twice all through college. At graduation in 2011 he bought me a can of baby corn for 89 cents because it's the last thing he remembered I liked when I was like 7 or something. My mom's girlfriends parents gave me $300 to start my life after college, but my dad gave me corn.



In 2016 I started to call him every few weeks. My therapist said he would one day die and I wouldn't get the closure I needed unless I talked to him. And so I did. And we talked every free weeks for half a year. Always me calling. I called him for his birthday in September. That's when I decided to propose to my now wife. I figured I would tell him when he called for my birthday in October. But he never called. I proposed. He didn't call in November. In December he called to say "I guess you aren't calling to say Merry Christmas." And then he never called again for 3 years.


When I found out he was dying, I didn't even want to talk to him. I called the hospital to speak to his nurses, not to him, and those idiots put me through to his room instead. Someone had told him I got married and had my honeymoon. He was proud. He was telling the nurses in the room about my life which he knew absolutely nothing about. He said, "you haven't called." I said, "neither have you. You should have called me." And he quietly agreed. He said "I love you." I said "ok." And then we hung up. And then he died.


That was in September. He left me a little money, but I never wanted or expected that. All I wanted was an explanation; some clue that could tell me why this man was so... Removed. Everyone who knew him said he talked about me constantly. They told me made up stories about me. They said they didn't even know I had sisters because he only ever talked about me. I was so important to him somehow. But he never showed me that in my 30 years alive. We were compete strangers.



2 days ago, his friend said she found a letter for me at his end of life care place and would send it to me. I am scared. I'm shaken. I'm lost.


My dad said, "I love you," and I replied "ok."

What else does he have to say to me? And do I want to hear it?