I can’t go on a day without thinking of him sleeping with that girl. I can’t stand these graphic images of the two of them together, having sex. I’m finally mad at him. I’m angry. This is the first time I ever felt anger towards someone else. I told him that I was disturbed by the idea of him having sex with her, the night before he was going to go to her house. I told him that this idea made me uncomfortable. He canceled it. He told me you were going to her house only because you had nowhere to go that weekend. Then he said “don’t be mad if I end up sleeping with her”. When I clearly told him I didn’t want this to happen, and I even made a joke about it. How could I ever be comfortable with the idea that my boyfriend that I’m devoted to, wanted to lay his hands on someone else. I went to a different city, on vacation, trying to enjoy my time. I will never forget the messages I received when I got home. “My dad called when I was inside her LOL, the third time. You can’t even completely take my small dick.” My body filled with so much stress and tension, I almost had a heart attack. 24 hours passed while I tried to process the fact that he actually chose to have sex with her. 24 hours later, he let me know that he was afraid he impregnated her because, well, he didn’t bother to use a condom. Weeks ago, when he wanted to make this open relationship happen, he promised he would use protection. Does he have any idea how earth shattering this news was to me? Does he understand how betrayed I feel? So excuse me if it pops in my head from time to time. Don’t tell me to “get over it, it’s been so long”. I’m not “obsessing” over it. I am fucking heartbroken. After all this, when I sent him a sweet text saying you are the only person I forget my problems with, he told me that he “can relate, when I think of other men”. That was such an ugly thing to say to me. I know he’s bisexual. And I have no problems with his sexuality. I do not judge him for having desires. But if he’s in a committed relationship with me, I can’t let him take me for granted by constantly bringing up this fact. I can already barely stand the idea that I’m not all he needs. That he needs more. This stinging pain in my chest will heal only if he lets me. Saying things like “I will always desire women, get used to it” is not letting me heal. It’s digging deeper in this wound. And I’m not having a good time with my life. I hardly feel like I’m alive anymore. I’m merely surviving. I will forgive him. I’m trying my hardest to forgive him. But it’s only possible if he understands and accepts that the things he has done and said were extremely hurtful and apologizes. I know he already did. But somehow something is telling me that if I forgive, it will mean that he is getting away with what he did. I know he felt bad about it. It’s just that it’s going to take me a long time to forgive. And forget. That is the hardest part. I can always be the bigger person and forgive things but I can never ever forget what someone has done to me. It’s a defense mechanism. We always talk about how he was used and hurt before by someone else and that’s why it’s taking so long to come to terms with trusting me. But I need him to know that I was abused by someone living in my house for years, and it left me with a scar. I have trouble forgiving people when they do me wrong. And it’s still too soon. I can build my trust back to him only when I sense that he has reached the point where he completely understands the magnitude and violence of these events in the past month. I love him. And I want to be with him. I want to work on things with him. But sometimes this is going to happen. I might shut myself off, I might get angry and I might run away. It’s going to pass. I’m just too hurt right now. And I need him to show effort and time to pass. He is the love of my life.