“Mom sat by the valor paraffin not realizing her nose was bleeding. I came in and said mom your nose! She was trying to resist crying. Dad burned her belongings which she had brought from her parents house.” “Whispers woke me up. I saw my mom covering her face by her arms and my dad was hitting her.” These are the first two images I remember as young as 3. Physical and verbal abuse, lies, deceptions, angers, horrors and tears didn’t end till I turned 18. We were a family of 8. 6 children (half brothers and sisters) and my mom was the second wife(dad’s first wife passed away.) parents wouldn’t get along. Mom would complain non stop. It wasn’t the life she wanted because her parents pushed her to marry a man with 4 kids ages from 2-7. My dad new have to get what he wanted. He’d yell as loud as he could, threw items at the wall, physically abused my mom and my brothers and sisters. But he never got physical with me. He’d just intimidate me by yelling, public shaming, humiliating and snapping at me like he was about to hit me. He never showed any support, love and affection towards any of us. He’d always yell that he provides for us( basic needs. Nothing expensive or frequent shopping). We used to shop for clothes once a year. When I was 7, we went shopping for shoes. He picked a pair for me and I asked “dad, can I have the white ones?” I didn’t like the shoes he was going to buy me. The shoes I wanted were like $1 more. He got so upset because of that but he bought me those shoes and for several month he kept saying I’m lazy and demanding. We weren’t poor nor rich. we were just fucked up. Nobody from our family and relatives got along. I remember begging my mom to stop complaining because he’d hurt her but she wouldn’t listen. My mom loved me but she didn’t know better. They tough a lot in front of us. I was shaking, terrified and couldn’t breathe easily. I left home to live in boarding schools at the age of 11 and for summer breaks I’d find a job where they’d accommodate me. At 18, I stopped completely cut off my dad, my half brothers and sisters from my life. Now, I’m 25, sometimes I can’t believe I made it this far. I moved to a better country by myself. Before leaving, I made sure my mom got her divorce and I settled her down. She is good now. But myself, immigrating to Canada from Middle East was a dream come true. Canada is an amazing country with incredible people. But in past 3 years, I’ve been failing school, dealing with anxiety, self sabotaging, anger issues, overwhelming negative emotions and attitude and I was also diagnosed with ADD. Everything started with school and extended into my relationship and work. I thought I moved on from the past and I was happy with who I became but I was wrong. My psychologist thinks a lot of my struggles goes back to where I come from. But I don’t feel that way. I mean I don’t think about the past and what had happened. School is my main concern. I won’t get anywhere without going to school. I feel like everything is wrong with me. Sometimes I ask myself what’s the point of living and wish I could give up. Why am I struggling so much.