Sometimes when I'm ruminating over a mistake that I feel really guilty about, and I'm calling myself a bad person. I start to compare my mistake to mistakes I know other people have done that are worse than my mistake to try to relieve guilt. And for a second I do feel less guilty but then I feel really guilty for doing that because I'm using something wrong that someone else has done to make myself feel better. Sometimes it just happens without me trying to, I'll just start having those thoughts and feelings without actually trying. I have been trying to resist doing that, but it still happens. I think it's some sort of defense mechanism. I just get so stressed from thinking of my past mistakes, and it feels suffocating, so I think my mind starts searching for ways to justify it or make it seem not as bad as it is to calm myself down if that makes sense. Anyways, this makes me feel EXTREMELY guilty. Sometimes it'll be really really bad things, and I'll feel like I want others to do worse than I've done because I feel like such a horrible person compared to everyone else. I know that sounds so fucked up. If I could completely stop my mind from doing this I would. I hate it, it just adds to my guilt and fear of being a bad person. Of course, when I'm thinking in a rational way, I know that I don't actually want people to do these things, but it just makes me feel so fucked up because I'll literally feel like I want others to do worse things than me, and I'll compare what I've done to what others have done. Sometimes if I'm just reading about something bad someone has done, I'll compulsively look back at a part to confirm that they did something worse than me, as if I want it to be something worse than what I've done. That's what really messes with me, is the checking to see if what someone has done in worse than what I've done, and then having a feeling of disappointment when it isn't as bad as a mistake that I've made. Then after I do that I realize how messed up that is and I'll feel really guilty. When I'm in the process of it, I'm not really realizing what I'm doing. It just happens so fast, it feels out of control. I've searched to see if anyone else does this because I want to know why this happens/if this is something other people also experience but I haven't really found anything that similar. I really hope these thoughts/feelings aren't a true reflection of myself. I can hardly live with myself right now.